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do i dare or do i dare? [userpic]

Fic: All the Good Monsters

May 9th, 2009 (04:12 pm)

Title:  All the Good Monsters

Summary:  Sam always believed everything Dean said.  Tag to WTLB.

A/N:  So.  Yeah.  Here's the thing.  My name is Faye, and, well, I'm a Sam girl.  But here's the other thing, I'm not looking for some kind of twelve step program here, because, well I like it.  I'm not going to apologize for how I think and feel.  I know fandom can be a pretty scary place right now.  That said, when I can separate myself from fandom, I really liked this ep.  When I'm weigh down in it, this ep gives me a headache.  This fic is an expression of both.  Oh, and for those who might not have guessed: it's about Sam, but no, it's not about how terrible and mean he is.  If that's what you're looking for, let me tell you, this ain't it.  I don't think it's anti-Dean either or whatever, but I wasn't really trying to get into Dean's head.  I was trying to get into Sam's, and it's a sad place right now.

A/N 2:  Tyranusfan gave this a read and provided a lovely beta in near-record time.

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

-o-

All the good monsters open their eyes,
To see the wasteland where the home fires rise,
And the people shouting why, why, why...
Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?

-from Good Monsters by Jars of Clay

-o-

For a second, Sam believes Dean.

It’s always been that way, even when Sam wanted to deny it.  He’s believed Dean for as long as he can remember--believed every word Dean said, trusted Dean to tell him the truth, wanted Dean to understand where he was coming from.  Sam’s life has been one of lies and hurt, but Dean never lied when he could help it, and that matters to Sam, even now.  His brother has always been everything Sam wanted to be--cool and calm and confident and capable and right.

Sam believed Dean when he told Sam that eating Spaghettios was the only surefire way to make him smarter.  Sam believed Dean when he told Sam that hunting evil made them superheroes.  Sam believed Dean when he told Sam that hunting and normal just didn’t mix.  Sam believed Dean when he told Sam that he just didn’t want to do this alone.  Sam believed Dean when he told Sam that all Dad had ever wanted was to keep them safe.

Sam even believed Dean when he told Sam that he was going darkside.  Sam believed Dean when his brother told him that he was just like Dad.

Sam always believed everything Dean said.  Even when he hated it.  Even when he resented it.  Even when he wanted to scream in his face, no, no, no, NO.  He believed Dean even when it broke his heart, even when he chose to defy it anyway, because Dean was all there ever had been, Dean is all there is now.  Dean’s always been the only one who put him first, the only one who mattered.

It was why he put Dean first that night when Dean showed up at Stanford, why he’d left Jess alone and vulnerable, because Dean needed him.  It was why he hadn’t killed the Demon when he’d had his shot, because Dean had asked him not to.  It was why he could never really be mad at Dean over the deal, because Dean had done it all out of love, all out of his broken need to make things right.

And Sam believes Dean now, believes that Dean is scared for him, scared of what he’s doing.  He believes that his brother is right about Ruby, that he is right about Sam needing to stop.  Sam believes it all, because it’s everything he knows is true, but he knows that doesn’t matter--nothing matters, Sam doesn’t matter.  Sam’s soul is worth this sacrifice.  Sam’s soul is worth keeping Dean from having to take this burden again.  Sam believes Dean in all of that and more, but Sam can’t stop now, not when he has to finish this, once and for all, and he wishes Dean understood.

He’s trying to put Dean first, trying to save the world so Dean won’t have to.  And he wants Dean to believe in him, even when Sam’s sure he doesn't deserve it, but that’s what Sam wants, more than Ruby’s blood, more than killing Lilith, more than saving the world--he just wants Dean to believe in him.  Just once.

Because if Dean can believe in him, then maybe it’s not all for nothing, maybe it’s not all so lost. Because if Dean can believe in Sam and Sam believes everything Dean says, then maybe for once Sam can believe in himself and not wonder if he’s right.

So when Dean tells Sam he’s a monster, it’s not what he hoped to hear, but Sam believes it out of reflex.

It’s not news.  Sam’s known it all along.  Even when he didn’t know why, Sam had felt it.  He had thought it was hunting that made him miserable, thought it was the lifestyle that made him feel less.  Wrong.  Different.  Unsafe.  That’s why he’d run, to get away from hunting, but all he was doing was running from the one thing he could never leave behind: who he was.

So if Dean sees a monster, finally, now, after all these years, then maybe there has been one there all along.

And in that second, in that horrible moment when the truth is laid out between them and Dean doesn’t even look sorry, all Sam sees is rage.  Rage at Alistair for breaking his older brother.  Rage at his fourteen year old self for his blind naiveté.  Rage at his mother for doing this to him.  Rage at Dean for lying all those years when Sam had always believed him.  If Sam had known back then, if Dean had just been honest from the get go, if Dean had just treated Sam like the monster that he was, that maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.

Sam doesn’t even feel the punch as he throws it and he relishes the feel of knuckles on his face.  This is a fight Sam knows he’ll win because it’s not a fight at all.  Monsters always win.  Monsters took their mother, took their father, took Jessica, took Dean--monsters took everything, so the odds are stacked in Sam’s favor.

He’s tried hard, fought against this so long, that this rush is almost as sweet as Ruby’s blood.  For a moment, it feels good to have this all out in the open, to not lie, to know just where he stands in the big picture.  To know that he was never Sammy Winchester at all, but the Boy King, and that the last 26 years have been the lie that he’s finally correcting, the lie that Dean’s finally not telling him anymore.  That he’s just a monster, worthy of his brother’s hate, worthy of the angels’ ire, worthy of the demons’ praise.  It’s the only time Sam’s ever felt truly honest, completely real, and it scares him more than the need for another fix of blood.

Dean has held him back, and Sam wishes he knew why Dean had bothered at all when he’d believed this all along.  Because Dean had.  There was a reason Dean had hid Dad's big dying secret.  Not because Dean promised his father, because Dean could disobey when he needed to, always could, but because Dean thought it was true

And that explained everything.  Why Sam was kept on the need to know basis, why Sam could never be trusted with anything important.  It explained why Dean hadn’t trusted him to save himself, why Dean hadn’t trusted Sam to save him.  Why Sam always had to be protected.  Why Sam was a burden and not a brother.

Dean’s on the ground and Sam has never known Dean to be wrong about anything, so the monster in Sam wraps its fingers around Dean’s throat and squeezes, squeezes harder and wishes that Dean had left Sam for dead in Cold Oak, that his brother had left him in the house the night the Demon came for him when he was six months old.  Dean saved an abomination.  Dean sold his soul for nothing more than a monster.

And, just like that, Sam sees his brother, struggling for air.  The one who died for him.  The one who is dying because of him now.  And something breaks in Sam, so completely, that it almost rips him in half.

Monster.

And Sam stops.  He doesn’t want this.  He doesn’t want any of it.  He doesn’t want to listen to angels or demons and he doesn’t want Ruby’s blood.  He doesn’t want to have to make it end this way. 

But there’s a fact Sam must face.  Dean’s right; Sam can’t change what he is.

But he can change this.

“You don’t know me,” Sam says, because if Dean only saw a monster, then Dean couldn’t know him.  He couldn’t know how much this hurt, how much Sam wanted out.  “And you never have.”

Because Dean thinks Sam rebels blindly, that he cuts off his nose to spite his face.  Dean thinks Sam’s giving in just for his own benefit, for some kind of personal gain.

But there is no benefit to this.  Not for Sam anyway.  And he wishes Dean could see that Sam just wants to use this monster in him for one last thing before everything is over.  For good.

"You walk out that door," Dean says, and there's resentment and weariness in his voice that Sam can practically feel, "don't you ever come back."

The ultimatum is not unexpected, but it hurts the same.  The last time he walked out the door in denial of who he was.  This time, Sam walks out to fulfill it.

It didn’t make him happy then.

It won’t make him happy now.

Last time, it cost Jessica her life.

This time, it will spare Dean his.

When Sam shuts the door behind him, it feels like something’s ending, something important, something he’ll never get back, and it makes going to Ruby so much easier when he is just a monster.  After all, no one misses a monster, so Sam believes his brother one last time, and walks away.

Comments

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 16th, 2009 03:49 am (UTC)
breathless

Thanks. I wish I could say that things look better for Sam's character now, but they really, really don't.

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 16th, 2009 03:50 am (UTC)
find me

I think we need more than a hug at this point in the show. I'm not sure what--I'm not sure Sam's even fixable anymore :(

Thanks!

Posted by: ash48 (ash48)
Posted at: May 10th, 2009 12:12 am (UTC)

Oh wow. This is so honest and you know... it's exactly how I saw Sam in this episode. Doesn't everyone? The WHOLE episode showed us what was going on in Sam's mind - the torment, the indecision, the realisation, the pain, sense of betrayal, the love and so so much more. His need for Dean to trust him and believe him - damn near broke my heart. You did a great job of getting into Sam's head.

I thought this episode was absolutely brilliant and as a Sam girl myself it was fantastic to see this incredible development in Sam's character - sure it hurts (been hurting all season) but at some point they have to resolve all this and I'm sure Sam will come out on top. It will all mean something and Sam will come out a hero. Well, I hope so anyway.

Thanks for the wonderful story. It made me shed another tear of course, but I'm getting kinda used to that these days.
*hugs*

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 16th, 2009 03:50 am (UTC)
bloody hero

Your review makes me sad after seeing the finale. Things do not look good for Sam at all, and it's kind of crushing me.

Thanks, though.

Posted by: ash48 (ash48)
Posted at: May 16th, 2009 10:36 am (UTC)
Prettiest Anti-Christ Ever

Oh hun I know. *hugs*

But they both messed up big time .... so I look forward to seeing how they make amends. Sure, Sam didn't come out on top this time. :( But you know, Dean didn't either.

My spirits were lifted because they were at least back together again.

I know you haven't enjoyed Season 4. I hope it's better for you next season.

xx
Ash

Posted by: supernaturalmommy (supernatrlmommy)
Posted at: May 10th, 2009 02:53 am (UTC)

*Loud Applause* Thank you! I was beginning to wonder if I would ever hear someone give a credible Sam POV about this heart-wrenching episode.
This episode hurt, even though we've been striving to this position all season. *sniffs* Another great job ... even if my heart is breaking for him right now I have to hope that we get some kind of resolution about the brothers' relationship next season. Because this season? Was just made of hurt.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 16th, 2009 03:51 am (UTC)
christmas awe

After the finale, I'm not overly optimistic, but I know I'm in the minority with that.

Thanks :)

Posted by: Lauren (breathe_me27)
Posted at: May 10th, 2009 07:29 pm (UTC)
SPN: crying sam

*blinks back tears* Oh, this is so painful, but so damn good.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 16th, 2009 03:51 am (UTC)
dazed

Thank you.

Posted by: *Bright (starbright73)
Posted at: May 11th, 2009 02:36 pm (UTC)
Speculum animi

*weeps for Sam*

And Sam's been trying over and over again to explain it to Dean, but Dean's just not capable of understanding. And I still want to understand why Dean won't even try, because that bugs me more than Sam's turning 'darside'. I do understand Sam's POV, but I'm at a loss for Dean's right now.

Beautiful fic. *pets Sammy*

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 16th, 2009 03:52 am (UTC)
geekboy

*weeps with you*

The hope for Sam's redemption is nearly nonexistent now. I don't even know how to cope.

Thanks.

Posted by: Dani (pinkphoenix1985)
Posted at: May 11th, 2009 05:52 pm (UTC)

Faye- this is BRILLIANT!! you have me in tears here!


After all, no one misses a monster, so Sam believes his brother one last time, and walks away.
this especially is so heartbreaking!

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 16th, 2009 03:52 am (UTC)
letter

Thanks very much. I wish I could say the finale left me feeling better, but not so much.

Posted by: Dani (pinkphoenix1985)
Posted at: May 16th, 2009 08:42 am (UTC)

the finale had me clutching my pillow throughout the entire time! :/ it was predicatable but it definitely had me on the edge of my seat

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