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do i dare or do i dare? [userpic]

Chaos ficlet: Never Again (1/1)

February 20th, 2014 (06:02 am)
peaceful

feeling: peaceful

Title: Never Again

Disclaimer: I do not own Chaos.

A/N: This is random and pretty old. Beta by sockie1000

Summary: Billy always fights until the fire burns too bright and darkness is all that’s left.



-o-

The fever grips him, holding him fast and helpless. Billy can feel it burning through him, tingling in his fingertips and pulsing through his spine. His heart throbs desperately to quench it, but it only adds fuel as he pulls in each uncertain breath. His head is the worst, and it feels like he’s being consumed from the inside out. It aches and pounds in equal turns, until he closes his eyes to escape it.

There’s no escape, though. In the dark, unconsciousness is uncertain and fleeting. He flits unbidden between the waking world and the next, driven by the demons in his newly created hell.

One minute, he’s writhing on the cot on their latest mission, the next he’s crying in the cupboard, begging to be let out. He pounds with his fists, begging and pleading for one more chance even as his father turns up the volume of the TV, leaving Billy’s cries lost in the darkness.

Then, he’s on the schoolyard, back against the wall. The boys are bigger than him, and there are three of them. Billy gives them all he has -- turns out his pockets and promises more tomorrow -- but it’s not enough. He gets off one punch before they clobber him, leaving him tucked up and sniffling to walk home alone.

He’s not there long, though, because he’s at his father’s funeral, standing stiffly in the rain. He wants to cry -- Lord knows his mother would never blame him, and no one would see it with the rain anyway -- but he can’t. His father would never approve, and Billy stares through the raindrops until he can’t see anything at all.

When he blinks, he’s in prep school. His teacher thinks he can do better than this, and Billy just laughs, crumples up the paper, not looking at the F scrawled across the top. “Who says I want to?”

He gets an answer three years later when he tells Becky he loves her on the top of Calton Hill. She smiles, runs a hand over his cheek. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Billy.”

But Billy does. He makes promises and he lies and he wakes up on his first mission for MI6. He thinks, he’s made it, but when the knife slides into his flesh, he feels the blood well up and he thinks again.

He thinks again, of that last mission. Of the promises he made, of the fact that he was nobody saviour. His director sounds like his father, lecturing him on the porch when he got home from the schoolyard, “You have to save yourself, son. Nobody in this life will do it for you.”

His first night in the United States, he drinks everything in the minibar and turns out the lights, locking himself in the bathroom and crying as he pounds his fists helplessly, like he’s still a child in the cupboard.

Even now, he begs and pleads, even if he doesn’t know who he’s fighting against. Still, he fights. Billy always fights until the fire burns too bright and darkness is all that’s left.

These fever dreams come and go, and Billy is at their mercy. But when he rouses enough, he feels Michael’s hand on his head, Rick’s quick assurances, and a soothing melody in Casey’s wavering voice. It’s a tenuous tug of war, his memories pulling him in one direction, his friends grounding him in another. In truth, it feels perilous this time, and Billy’s not sure what he has left to fight with.

That’s okay, though. Some promises are meant to be kept, and there are some things he still wants to prove. And this time, he doesn’t have to save himself.

Never again,
he thinks even as he slips precariously back toward darkness. Because there are demons in his hell, but he doesn’t have to fight them; he just has to survive.

And his team will do the rest.

Comments

Posted by: sophie_deangirl (sophie_deangirl)
Posted at: February 20th, 2014 04:38 pm (UTC)
I love the random!

I love your random stories, they are short little gems that are easy and welcome reads on a work morning facing a full day of meetings. They are especially welcome when they involve Billy and h/c. Billy illness is particularly delightful. I love how you have created a consistent backstory for Billy with your stories so that anyone who's read your previous ones will gain an immediate connection and for those who haven't, you've detailed the sad upbringing with sobering realism. Also, since keeping secrets about his past is Billy's forte, there is a sense as the reader of being trusted with those memories that others are not privy to. I love that delirium brings them out. Enjoyed it thoroughly.

Fave Parts:

The fever grips him, holding him fast and helpless. Billy can feel it burning through him, tingling in his fingertips and pulsing through his spine. His heart throbs desperately to quench it, but it only adds fuel as he pulls in each uncertain breath. His head is the worst, and it feels like he’s being consumed from the inside out. It aches and pounds in equal turns, until he closes his eyes to escape it.

-- Need I say anything? hahaha.


These fever dreams come and go, and Billy is at their mercy. But when he rouses enough, he feels Michael’s hand on his head, Rick’s quick assurances, and a soothing melody in Casey’s wavering voice. It’s a tenuous tug of war, his memories pulling him in one direction, his friends grounding him in another. In truth, it feels perilous this time, and Billy’s not sure what he has left to fight with.

-- Aww, I love that you added Casey's singing. He only does that when he's really stressed so it reveals much about the situation.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: March 8th, 2014 02:10 am (UTC)
Re: I love the random!
billy thinks

LOL, sometimes I just want to write random whump, so I'm glad you still like reading them! Billy's just so fun to hurt.

Thanks you :)

Posted by: kristen_mara (kristen_mara)
Posted at: February 21st, 2014 08:02 am (UTC)
Stephen Clouds


**“You have to save yourself, son. Nobody in this life will do it for you.”**

That reminds me of a book I read in high school, where the young female leader of a camping group had to deal with some bad guys who were terrorising them: No One Else Can Walk It For You

Yay for Billy knowing that his team will save him and awwww for Casey's singing!

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: March 8th, 2014 02:11 am (UTC)
billy watches

I don't know that book, but the whole do-it-for-yourself thing is somewhat universal. Poor Billy probably took it to heart quite a bit, until he found the ODS.

Thanks :)

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