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do i dare or do i dare? [userpic]

Chaos ficlet: Oh Death

May 24th, 2012 (07:05 am)
drained
Tags: ,

feeling: drained

Title: Oh Death

Disclaimer: I do not own Chaos.

A/N: This is actually the first Chaos fic I ever wrote. But it was so random that I never posted it until now. To that end, I wrote it after just a few episodes and it’s mostly just a character study. Much thanks to lena7142 for taking the time to beta this. And despite the title and summary, this is NOT a deathfic.

Summary: Peril and/or death are ready consequences of a life in service of the CIA.



-o-

The way Rick wants to die isn’t so much about the details, but the aftermath.

He’s always accepted, from the time he was very young, that peril and/or death are ready consequences of a life in service of the CIA. Getting shot, being in an explosion, dying in enemy territory with his remains never recovered: he has mentally considered and acknowledged the possibilities of such ends. It’s true, some of them seem more desirable than others--for he is somewhat certain his mother would appreciate his corpse being fully intact for a proper open casket and easy identification-- but they all ultimately signify that he will no longer be able to serve and protect his country in any form.

This fate is acceptable to Rick, even if it does give him some trepidation when he’s honest, because for as gruesome as the death scenarios may be, the aftermath is always something of a solace. He likes to think of the flag draped over the casket, and his mother crying at the graveside, finding peace in her grief that her son lived his life for others.

-o-

Casey knows exactly how he wants to die. He has more or less come to terms with the fact that humanity is a mortal existence, and since he cannot escape the inevitability of his own death, be it sooner or later, he is fully prepared to exit on his own terms. That’s what Casey likes best about the ODS, after all: the ability to determine his own fate. Though nature will eventually have its way with Casey’s fragile body, he likes to think that he can determine the how and when.

To that end, suicide is not a respectable option, though he figures if he lives through his career, such a course may be preferable to an eventual decay of faculties. Still, if he has his way, it will never come to that, for while suicide is something of a coward’s escape, self-sacrifice has its proper valor.

He knows there will be a mission someday that they can’t quite get out of. He knows there is a situation that no cunning or luck will let them escape. This is the mission Casey has mentally prepared for ever since his own mortality became readily aware to him. If someone has to die so the rest can get away, Casey will not hesitate in this regard. He likes to know that when he dies, he can save the lives of others and take as many sons of bitches with him as humanly possible.

-o-

Billy is fairly certain that every mission will be his last. It’s a quiet sort of paranoia for him, but it doesn’t cause him much undue anxiety, so he doesn’t let it bother him overly much. Part of the problem is, of course, that Billy doesn’t care about dying. He’s always had something of a rebellious streak, which is what got him into so much trouble to begin with.

The thing is, getting deported from his homeland brought the world into something of a cruel focus. For the first time, Billy had to face the real and honest consequences of his actions. He’d known he’d screwed up, and had fully been prepared to offer his contrition and humblest attempts at reparation. So the deportation notice came as something of a shock, one that he’s still reeling from all these years later.

For Billy, it’s a funny sort of thing to be banned from his home. His friends, his family, his life: they’re all still there, very much alive and thriving, but he can never be a part of them. In some ways, Billy thinks he’s been dying ever since. Being friendly is in Billy’s nature, and making friends and finding lovers is as an easy a cover as anything else, but when it all finally ends, Billy wonders if he’ll feel anything but relief.

-o-

Michael used to think of dying at a ripe old age. He used to think of growing old next to his wife and watching his grandchildren playing in the yard. He used to think of retirement and gardening, pool at the community center and casual walks on Sunday afternoons. He used to think of going to bed with a smile on his face and just never waking up.

But Michael sees a terrorist plot being hatched in every restaurant. He marks a sniper along every rooftop. There are criminals and international spies on every street corner, and the rest of his life has to wait until he’s taken care of this much. The kids and grandkids might still be waiting, but his wife walked out years ago, and Michael’s still giving all her dates background checks, just to be sure.

So Michael doesn’t really think of dying at all. There’s too much to do to assume he even has the time.

Comments

Posted by: blackdog_lz (blackdog_lz)
Posted at: May 25th, 2012 11:06 am (UTC)
Team

I love the different POV's from the team and how none of them really think that they'll die of old age

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 25th, 2012 11:27 am (UTC)
billy

Hey! Nice to see you around fandom again! I've missed you :)

And I'm glad you enjoyed this. I always thought it to be an odd fic, which is why I didn't post it when I wrote it.

Anyway, I hope things are going well with you with the job and life and whatnot :) Thanks!

Posted by: blackdog_lz (blackdog_lz)
Posted at: May 25th, 2012 11:51 am (UTC)

Yeah, sorry for being rare, but well, RL and such.

It's not odd, at least in my eyes. Everyone thinks about death one way or the other and I think you got the individual characters view on it perfectly.

Things for me are difficult right now. I've suffered from cupital tunnel syndrome for a while now and it gets worse and worse. My elbow hurts like hell and my little finger is nearly completely numb all the time. Which means I'll be most likely surgery some time soon. and until then my elbow is in a brace and I have to do everything one handedly and that just takes so much time and effort. I'm already a bit scared at the thought of surgery and well, nothing seems to be helping right now to distract me.
Sorry for dumping all this on you.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 25th, 2012 12:00 pm (UTC)
billy bruised

RL can be like that.

And I'm so sorry you've had a rough go of things! I've missed you and worried some that you've been so quiet. I've worried about carpal tunnel myself, but my symptoms never last and I try to wear a brace of sorts when I do any extensive typing, which seems to help. I just know that if something did impair my typing, I'd be going crazy, so I can imagine how stressful it is for you. But I think the surgery is supposed to provide good results, so hopefully it will be a good thing. Not that that eases the anxiety.

Anything I can do to help?

Posted by: blackdog_lz (blackdog_lz)
Posted at: May 25th, 2012 12:17 pm (UTC)
Coffee

I'm liable to withdraw into my own mind when stuff goes wrong. It's not exactly a healthy coping mechanism, but it's always been like that.
I've been wearing a brace nearly non-stop since November and since it's not working my doctor said that surgery is the only option left. Out come is really good, but I have to get my head around the fact that they need do move a nerve from the back of my elbow to the front. And it'll take some time until everything will work properly after that.
It helps to talk/write about the whole anxiety that comes with the thought of surgery.
But it's so frustrating to only be able to type with one hand.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 25th, 2012 12:22 pm (UTC)

I internalize a lot too, so I know how good venting feels.

And I'm glad the prognosis is good even if recovery time will be needed. As for the surgery, I'd suggest not dwelling but I know how hard that is. At least the results will be worth it.

I type one handed more than I want to since I do a lot of posting/reviews while also feeding/managing the baby. But doing that full time would be depressing.

Are you at least finding ample fic to read? Watching a good show?

And any time you need to talk about it, I am happy to listen!

Posted by: blackdog_lz (blackdog_lz)
Posted at: May 25th, 2012 12:34 pm (UTC)
Hard at Work

My parents and co will come down on Saturday to visit me so that's a good distraction. And my sister is studying PT, so I can fire questions at her and she knows the answers or at least where to look.
I've reverted to using pen and paper when an idea hits me, because my mind is faster than I can type. But in the end that means I have to transcribe everything and I have a terrible hand writing, so I have to figure out just what word I rode from time to time :)
I went on a little Jeremy Renner binge, watching his movies and the short tv series The Unusuals. So at least I had plenty to do.
And thanks for the offer, just poke me when I've gone too silent for too long :)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 28th, 2012 04:31 am (UTC)
billy watches

I hope you had a good weekend with the distractions then :) And LOL, I know how you feel about writing by hand. My handwriting is pretty much illegible, so typing off notes is almost always a disaster for me. But yeah, if I couldn't type, I'd settle for by hand because not writing is about the worst thing in the world for me.

So are you writing Jeremy Renner fic, then? It's a good choice :) Though my muse refuses to move on!

Posted by: fara (farad)
Posted at: May 25th, 2012 12:45 pm (UTC)
Vin over his shoulder

OOHHHH - that's lovely. I like the way they each have different views on it - and how Michael doesn't have time to actually think about it. Very insightful. Thanks for sharing!

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: June 1st, 2012 03:34 am (UTC)
billy casey trouble

I'm glad you liked it! I always thought it was sort of a strange fic.

Thanks :)

Posted by: sockie1000 (sockie1000)
Posted at: May 25th, 2012 07:17 pm (UTC)
here comes trouble- chaos

ok, read yesterday and now finally have the time to comment!

I love ths idea of this story and how you captured each distinct personality in their thoughts. Billy's is especially heartbreaking, naturally, but I think you did a great job with all of them. :)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: June 1st, 2012 03:35 am (UTC)
billy guitar

The first stories I write for fandoms tend to be mostly character explorations while I try to get a feel for them. Why I made this one a musing on death, however, is a mystery to me and a sign of my warped brain :)

Thanks!

Posted by: kristen_mara (kristen_mara)
Posted at: May 26th, 2012 09:24 am (UTC)
Stephen Clouds


Ooooh - boys and their angst! Very in character for each of them, their individual thoughts on death, and I love Michael's last lines.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: June 1st, 2012 03:35 am (UTC)
chaos team moves

My muse is sometimes quite morbid. And I rather liked the idea of Michael being too busy to die -- at least, in his own mind :)

Thanks!

Posted by: nietie (nietie)
Posted at: May 27th, 2012 03:04 pm (UTC)
Chaosketeers

Wow, intense.
In their line of work it's obligatory to think of death of dying but I liked those last lines. So Michael doesn’t really think of dying at all. There’s too much to do to assume he even has the time.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: June 1st, 2012 03:36 am (UTC)
billy content

Shows about dangerous lines of work are interesting for that reason. And many other reasons. But I imagine it takes a certain kind of person to live that kind of life.

Thanks :)

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