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do i dare or do i dare? [userpic]

H50 fic: What to Expect (crack!)

April 12th, 2012 (07:02 am)
devious

feeling: devious

Title: What to Expect

Disclaimer: I very much don't own H50.

A/N: I wrote this a while ago on a whim after a conversation with sockie1000. I am currently working on polishing a few longer pieces to post and needed something shorter for this week. I found this and decided why not? Unbeta'ed.

Warning: Very crack-y. Mpreg (ish). Spoilers for S2.

Summary: Danny, Steve and a bundle of joy.

-o-



“This is not happening to me.”

Steve smirked. “I think it may actually be happening to you.”

“No,” Danny said, adamant. “This is not happening.”

“You may want to explain that to the baby you’re carrying,” Steve pointed out.

Danny glared. “That’s what I’m saying. This isn’t happening. The anatomy is all wrong. This isn’t even humanly possible!”

Steve shrugged, nonchalant. “I think you look cute,” he said. “All full and with child.”

Danny glared. “I hate you.”

“See, normally I’d blame hormones, but for you, that kind of aggression is just normal,” Steve said.

“Ha ha,” Danny laughed mockingly. “If you’re not careful, I’m going to tell everyone this baby is yours.”

Steve held up his hands. “Whoa, Daniel,” he said. “You know I don’t swing that way.”

“Then how did I end up like this?” Danny asked indignantly, gesturing down at himself.

“What can I say? You just have innately maternal instinct,” Steve said.

Danny’s eyes narrowed. “You’re enjoying this. I’m carrying a friggin’ baby and you’re enjoying this.

“Don’t worry,” Steve soothed. “I’ll be there with you every step of the way. Just remember to breathe.”

Danny was fuming.

“Breathe,” Steve instructed. “What did I say? Breathe.”

“So help me,” Danny said, lifting his finger. “If you don’t shut up—“

“Hee, hee, hoo,” Steve coached. “Hee, hee, hoo.”

“—I will kill you,” Danny concluded. “Baby or no baby.”

“In your delicate condition, you may want to be careful,” Steve advised.

Danny glowered again. “If it wasn’t for this baby—“

“But there is a baby,” Steve pointed out.

“I know there’s a baby!” Danny insisted. “I’m the one carrying it, remember?”

Steve shrugged. “They say babies at this age can pick up on stress,” he said. “You should calm down.”

“I should calm down? How the hell am I supposed to calm down?” he asked, gesturing to himself again. “I’m carrying my ex-wife’s baby – that she had with another man!”

Steve smirked again, looking at Danny, who had the small child strapped to his front in a carrier that looked more complicated than it was worth.

Danny grunted, running his hand through his hair. “And to make matters worse, I think my feet are swelling from carrying this extra weight around,” he muttered.

Steve patted him consoling on the shoulder. “Look at it this way,” he said. “At least it’s not a nine month gestation period.”

“I swear,” Danny said. “If you don’t shut up, you’re going to wish it was a nine month gestation because I’m going to kill you when I’m done with this!”

“Good luck with that,” Steve said. “And are you actually waddling?”

“I hate you,” Danny said again, more vehemently now.

“I didn’t get you pregnant.”

“I’m not pregnant!”

And Steve just grinned.

Comments

Posted by: sockie1000 (sockie1000)
Posted at: April 13th, 2012 01:24 am (UTC)

Oh my word. I still literally lol whenever I read this. It's the gift that keeps on giving!

I would point out my favorite parts but it would literally be the entire story. Can you tell I love it (literally?) ;D

I'm all for you writing more crack(ish) stories! You do such a wonderful job! :D

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: April 14th, 2012 06:36 pm (UTC)
danny and steve work together

LOL, this fic is still totally because of you. It's your lesson in the fact that fic can be written on any topic :)

I have to be in the right mood for crack -- and moreover, I have to have time to sit and write when that mood strikes. Which is a lot easier sad than done!

Thanks :)

Posted by: supergreak (supergreak)
Posted at: April 14th, 2012 02:45 pm (UTC)

WADDLING!!!!

This is so them. The dialogue, even in a ridiculous situation.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: April 14th, 2012 06:37 pm (UTC)
danny steve walk

Their banter will always be my favorite thing about this show :)

Thanks!

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