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Choas Fic: Five Things Casey Malick Hates 1/1

July 20th, 2011 (07:28 pm)
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Title: Five Things Casey Malick Hates (And One Thing He Doesn't)

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

A/N:  This randomness is based on the prompt Casey Malick; Lord what fools these mortals be from eviinsanemonkey .  No beta, so beware of typos.

Summary:  Casey rarely has the patience to indulge foolishness, but sometimes he makes an exception.


1.  Reality TV

“It’s stupid,” Casey says, simple and definitive.

Rick shrugs.  “I don’t know; it doesn’t seem so bad.”

Casey’s stare is withering.  “Let me guess,” he says.  “You watch American Idol.”

Rick frowns.  “I’ve had it on before,” he admits.

Casey rolls his eyes.

“You have to admit, it’s an interesting premise,” Rick contends.

Casey scoffs.  “In the abstract, the premise is fine,” he says.  “It’s the mass display of idiocy I object to.  Reality television is nothing more than a platform for the stupid and inane among us to have their fifteen minutes of humiliation before life resumes its mundane course again.”

Rick’s doesn’t dare speak.

Michael looks up from his paperwork, a little bemused.

Billy smirks.  “So says the man who audition for Survivor,” he says.

Michael nods, eyes glinting.  “Twice.”

Rick laughs.

Casey scowls.  “They were too afraid of how easily I’d win,” he says, going back to his paperwork.  “Cowards.”

2.  Protocol

“Shouldn’t we be following protocol?” Rick asks, leaning close.

Casey barely acknowledges him as they continue to creep around the edge of the compound.  “And why would we do that?” he hisses back.

Rick hesitates.  “Um.  Because it’s protocol?”

Casey stops, despite the urgency of the mission, and turns around.  He rarely has the patience to indulge foolishness, but sometimes he makes an exception.  Given the fact that Rick’s still green, Casey figures teaching him the ropes is better than letting the kid hang them all in them. 

“Protocol is for those who do not have enough of a mind to make the right decision without rules set in place,” Casey says.  “Are you saying that you don’t think you possess the mental capacity to make the right decision on your own and that you need some overfed bureaucrat in his office to dictate your thought process for you?”

Rick’s mouth opens but no words come out.

Casey rolls his eyes.  “Well, fortunately I have enough mental capacity for both of us,” he says.  “Now follow me and don’t do anything stupid.” 

3.  Committed relationships

“I think you’re making far too big of deal over this,” Billy says while they walk down the hallway.

Casey shakes his head and doesn’t slow his pace.  “I think I’m making just the right amount of deal over this.”

“She’s really a lovely girl,” Billy continues.

“Her looks are not objectionable,” Casey says.

“And she’s had a very impressive career at the Agency,” Billy reminds him.

“Her career’s merits are not problematic,” Casey returns.

“And all she happened to say was that she was looking forward to seeing you in the future,” Billy points out.

“Exactly,” Casey says.  “The future.  She’s talking about a relationship.”

“And what, pray tell, would be so horrific about that?” Billy asks.

Casey stops short and Billy pulls up next to him.  “Because relationships are personal power struggles that individuals stupidly subject themselves to in the name of love and other such ridiculous ideals,” he says.  “Relationships are for the feeble minded and weak willed.  I hate relationships.”

Billy stares at him for a moment.

Casey starts to walk on.

When Billy starts to follow, he calls out, “So does that mean I can ask her out then?”

4.  Training

“I don’t know why we have to do this,” Casey grumbles.

“Agency policy,” Michael reminds him.

“It’s a stupid policy,” Casey says.

“They want to make sure that we’re staying active,” Michael comments with a shrug.

Casey snorts.  “Does it look like I need an Agency drone to confirm that I am still in fact capable of doing my job in the field?”

Michael raises his eyebrows.  “I never said it was my policy.”

Just then, the instructor enters the room.  “Hello, operatives,” he says, rather jovially.  “Today we will be learning the fine art of--”

Casey doesn’t let him finish.  Instead he goes up and undercuts his legs.  With one quick sweep, Casey knocks him on his back and straddles him for a full mount, pinning the man’s arms with his legs and using his arms to lock in a choke hold that he doesn’t quite press into.

“Self defense,” Casey concludes for him.  “I’m aware.  Can I go now?”

The man sputters.  “Yes, yes,” he says, flailing as best he can while completely subdued.  “I think you’ve earned your passing marks!”

Casey gets up and straightens his suit.  Looking at Michael and the rest of the class, he lifts his head and leaves the room as the instructor is getting to his feet.

5.  Hospitals

“I hate hospitals,” Casey says, even though he doesn’t expect a response.  “They’re infested with germs and bacteria and overridden by money hungry doctors and incompetent nurses who are all completely neutered by the realities of America’s health care system.”

The room is silent in response.

Casey shakes his head.  “And the people,” he says.  “Half of the patients are whiny drug-seekers who think that modern medicine is a placebo for all the problems in their life, most of which are self-incurred due to poor lifestyle and worse judgment.”

The silence lingers. 

Casey sighs.  “I hate hospitals,” he says again, less vigorously this time, but it’s still just as true.

Because he has good reasons--medical errors and sanitation and insurance fraud.  He can talk about government meddling and pharmaceutical conspiracies.  These are ample reasons to justify his mounting hatred.

The fact that this is Rick’s hospital room, that the kid is still unconscious with a severe concussion has nothing to do with it.  The fact that Michael’s in the room over with a bullet wound in his leg is also entirely irrelevant.  And the fact that Billy’s still in surgery to pick two bullets out of his stomach is also inconsequential to the debate.

And none of it has anything to do with how powerless Casey feels here, how he has no control over anything, how he has to trust the things that matter to him most to mortal fools and idiots.

Casey gathers a breath and holds it, wetting his lips.  His face scrunches in distaste.  “Damn hospitals,” he mutters, settling back into the chair as the hours linger on.

And One Thing He Doesn’t.

“I hate parties,” Casey grouses in the break room.  There’s a cake and someone made punch among an assortment of other goodies.

“That’s our Casey,” Billy says from the table where he’s lounging.  It’s his first day back at work and he’s still a little pale.  “Ever the party animal.”

People are mostly leaving now, but the team is still together.  Casey sulks in his chair.  “It’s a worthless way to spend time in idle and meaningless chitchat and consume far too many calories until the body is sluggish,” he says.

“So you don’t want another piece of cake?” Michael jokes.  He’s been back for a week now and he doesn’t even need to hide his limp.

Casey rolls his eyes.

Rick helps himself to another piece, settling in at the last seat at the table.  “It’s nice, though,” he says.  He’s been back the longest but he hasn’t seemed 100 percent until today, when the entire team has been finally cleared for duty.  “A little time to appreciate what we all have isn’t so bad.”

“It’s overly sentimental,” Casey insists.

The team exchanges a look, and they can barely contain their smiles.

“It is,” Casey reiterates passionately.

Billy nods sagely.  “Of course it is,” he says.

“Which is why you totally didn’t plan this party,” Michael adds.

“Or order the cake,” Rick says.

“Even if I did,” Casey says cautiously.  “They got the order wrong.  It was supposed to say Congratulations on Adequate Health but someone put Welcome Back instead.”

“Idiots,” Rick says.

“Total morons,” Billy agrees.

There’s a moment of peaceable silence before Michael smiles.  “I still kind of like parties, though,” he says.

Billy’s grin widens and Rick’s eyes light up.

Casey sighs and shakes his head.  “Well,” he relents.  “I suppose there are worse ways to pass my time.”


Posted by: altpointofview (altpointofview)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 12:58 am (UTC)

How do you of all people do it? Seriously how can you channel such an extreme --- I don't even know how to explain it... but you my young girl are so *not* a Casey and yet I swear I can hear him say every single word you write. Casey's dialogue is absolutely beyond the pale... it's perfection!
"Congratulations on Adequate Health"... ROTFLOL!!!
Though I have to know am I the mortal fool or the idiot? Cause this nurse is gonna be giving Casey an intramuscular injection in a very sensitive spot with a blunt tipped needle! ;)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 12:36 pm (UTC)
billy guitar

I hear voices in my head. Really. LOL, so insanity helps :)

And I thought of you while Casey was disparaging nurses. Really, he was looking for scapegoats to project his own insecurities, though, so don't take it personally :)


Posted by: fara (farad)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 01:51 am (UTC)
Vin over his shoulder

You know - if you had been writing for the show, it'd still be on. You so totally nail the characters. I love love love your Casey voice, as I've said before. This is wonderful.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 12:36 pm (UTC)
chaos team 2

Aw, thank you! I wish the show was still on either way--I miss it already!

Posted by: lukadreaming (lukadreaming)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 05:22 am (UTC)

I read this with a huge smile on my face. I could hear Casey saying *every* word of it!

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 12:37 pm (UTC)
casey general dislike

Casey's cynicism makes me smile, too. Especially when it's a guise for his soft center :)


Posted by: blackdog_lz (blackdog_lz)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 10:46 am (UTC)

YOu just gotta love a pessimistic Casey :) You totally nailed him and his view on life here.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 12:38 pm (UTC)
casey general dislike

I'm glad it sounded like him! Thanks :)

Posted by: Evil Insane Monkey (eviinsanemonkey)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 11:18 am (UTC)

D'aw, Casey, you are such a softy!
Also, I would definitely watch Survivor if Casey were on, though I don't think it'd be fair unless he was going up against like...MacGyver and the A-Team or something.

(you're up!)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 11:43 am (UTC)
billy guitar

Casey would actually be pretty hilarious on a reality show. And LOL, the idea of Survivor with TV characters is pretty amusing, too.

(Billy Collins was an English major. Because, seriously, he could have been.)

Posted by: Evil Insane Monkey (eviinsanemonkey)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 11:46 am (UTC)

If I knew more about the A-Team or MacGyver I'd so write a fic about Casey and them on Survivor...maybe throw in House, too, 'cause he'd make it.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 11:48 am (UTC)
chaos team moves

The funny thing is I know enough about the A-Team and Macgyver but know very little about Survivor. I'm not sure what that says about the weirdness of my viewing habits.

Posted by: Evil Insane Monkey (eviinsanemonkey)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 12:04 pm (UTC)

I know people get stuck on an island and have to do things...

Posted by: Evil Insane Monkey (eviinsanemonkey)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 08:59 pm (UTC)

here you go! hope you like it :)

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