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Chaos ficlet: The Perils of Being the Sorting Hat

July 18th, 2011 (07:27 am)
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Title:  The Perils of Being the Sorting Hat

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

A/N:  eviinsanemonkey  wanted Hogwarts Houses.  So this is totally silly :)

Summary:  Rick speculates which Hogwarts House each team member would be in.


“It’s not that big of deal,” Rick tries to say.

“Yes, it is a rather big deal,” Billy objects with what sounds like almost real despair.

Rick sighs, his patience wavering.  They’ve been having this discussion for nearly ten minutes and it is still spiraling out of control.  “I didn’t mean anything.”

Billy looks at him pointedly.  “If you didn’t mean it, then why did you say it?”

Rick shrugs helplessly.  “It was just small talk.”

“The weather is small talk,” Billy corrects.  “The state of democracy in America is small talk.  This?  This is serious.  This is the mettle of a man’s soul.  You tried and convicted the very nature of my being in a single, frivolous sentence and now you want to pass it off as small talk?”

The door opens and Rick is almost relieved to see Michael and Casey coming back.  They seem to immediately sense that something is wrong.

Michael frowns.  “What did you do to Billy?”

“Nothing,” Rick says in exasperation.

“He insulted my honor,” Billy contends.

Casey scowls at them both.  “I was not convinced you had any honor.”

“You mock,” Billy says.  “But it was a deeply personal insult that I am not entirely sure can be corrected in the near future.”

Michael actually seems vaguely bemused but gives Rick a look.  “You didn’t try to tell him that Scotland and England are really the same, did you?”

“No, I’m not nearly that insensitive,” Rick protests.

“No, you’re much worse,” Billy says, positively pouting now.

Casey looks at Rick critically.  “Okay, genius, what did you say to make him that cross?” he says. 

Rick sighs, wishing he’d never started this conversation in the first place.  “I was just telling him about the latest Harry Potter movie.”

Michael lifts his eyebrows.  Casey remains critical.

Rick pushes onward.  “And then I speculated as to which house we’d all be in.”

“And he was right on, for the most part,” Billy interjects.  “Nailed Casey as a Slytherin, for his diabolical and curious methods of dark self-perseverance.”

Casey inclines his head, almost pleased by the description.

“And then he was accurate in his depiction of Michael as a witty and resourceful Ravenclaw,” Billy continues.  “A noble house, if ever there was one.”

Michael seems to nod.

“And of course, he appropriately placed himself among the heroic and adventurous Gryffindor clan,” Billy says.  “Putting himself among the respectable likes of young Harry Potter and the lovely Hermione Granger.”

Michael shrugs.  “So what’s the problem?”

“The problem,” Billy says, looking spitefully at Rick.  “Is that he classified me among the Hufflepuff.”

“And I take it that’s bad,” Casey surmises.

“Hufflepuffs are lighthearted and good natured,” Rick says.

“And utterly forgettable and unimportant to the story,” Billy says.  “For while I pride myself on being friendly and open with all those around me, I also take great pleasure in adventure and the pursuit of justice above and beyond the call of duty.”

“Hufflepuffs are heroic,” Rick protests.

“Name one,” Billy says.

“Cedric Diggory,” Rick offers.

Billy scoffs.  “A boy who was good and kind and dead,” he says.  “Is that the fate you think for me?  That I’ll die early so you can go on to greatness in the ghost of my memory?”

Rick shakes his head.  “I think you’re taking this too seriously,” he says.

“That’s easy for you to say,” Billy says.  “I didn’t use a mythological label to demean your selfhood.”

“I already apologized,” Rick says.

“I’m not sure it’s good enough.”

“Would it help if I said that I also put you in Hufflepuff because I think you look good in yellow and black?”

Billy looks at him skeptically.  “Marginally,” he concedes.

“I’m so glad you two have been spending your time productively,” Casey says.

“And all this intra-office bonding really does warm the heart,” Michael adds.

“You’re just lucky that I am steadfastly committed and loyal,” Billy says.  “Like a Gryffindor.  Or I may have had to take the afternoon off for emotional reason.”

Rick sighs.  “Are you ever going to get over this?”

“Maybe if you admit that you’re less Harry Potter and more Ron Weasly,” Billy says.

Rick scowls.  “You don’t really think that.”

Billy shrugs with feigned innocence.  “The Hufflepuff in me may lack the intelligence to differentiate the finer points and just pick up on the good natured gist.”

“You know,” Rick says.  “You can be cruel.”

Billy grins wickedly.  “Then maybe I was wrong, too,” he says.  “Perhaps there’s a bit of Slytherin in me, too.”

Rick doesn’t actually doubt it as Billy glares at him for the rest of the day. 


Posted by: Evil Insane Monkey (eviinsanemonkey)
Posted at: July 18th, 2011 12:42 pm (UTC)

hee! SO CUTE! I love Michael and Casey's reactions xD
and last night I was thinking Rick'd be an adorable Hufflepuff, so now I'm imagining Rick and Billy having Hufflepuff adventures at Hogwarts AND I LOVE IT!

(your turn)

Edited at 2011-07-18 12:43 pm (UTC)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 18th, 2011 12:49 pm (UTC)
chaos team 2

They really would be a great pair of Hufflepuffs, no matter how much they both might want to protest it. And my mind is not nearly inclined to AU as yours, but the notion of the four of them at Hogwarts is now completely on my mind.

(The team: lessons learned the hard way.)

Posted by: Evil Insane Monkey (eviinsanemonkey)
Posted at: July 18th, 2011 01:01 pm (UTC)

my mind is an AU and crack fic machine sometimes, lol...

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 18th, 2011 01:07 pm (UTC)

Heh, not a bad thing. I think most of the time such fics almost take too much creative effort so while I like the idea of them, I rarely write them because I'm kind of lazy like that.

Posted by: Evil Insane Monkey (eviinsanemonkey)
Posted at: July 19th, 2011 11:23 am (UTC)

here you go

Posted by: nietie (nietie)
Posted at: July 18th, 2011 02:13 pm (UTC)

I so love this intra-office bonding *g*

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 19th, 2011 02:34 am (UTC)
billy likes

Such bonding is (was) my favorite element of the show. Well, besides the awesomeness of Billy.


Posted by: blackdog_lz (blackdog_lz)
Posted at: July 18th, 2011 02:25 pm (UTC)

That's great :) Getting into an argument about which house they belong into his probably something that can only happen with Billy

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 19th, 2011 02:35 am (UTC)
billy approves

I sort of like the notion that Billy can be totally laid back but get his knickers in a twist over something totally irrelevant.


Posted by: lukadreaming (lukadreaming)
Posted at: July 18th, 2011 03:56 pm (UTC)

LOL! Splendid dialogue!

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 19th, 2011 02:35 am (UTC)
billy likes

Thank you kindly :)

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 19th, 2011 02:36 am (UTC)
chaos team moves

Of course Rick would. Because that's such a Rick thing to think :)


Posted by: Average Girl Extraordinaire (legsi003)
Posted at: July 19th, 2011 02:26 am (UTC)

Haha! Love how offened Billy gets!

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 19th, 2011 02:36 am (UTC)
billy watches

I'm glad it amused you :) Thanks!

Posted by: Ally (leafy07)
Posted at: July 19th, 2011 03:21 am (UTC)

CHAOS and magic! Life does no get better than this :P (Even if it is just discussion of magic)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 19th, 2011 01:51 pm (UTC)
chaos team moves

I'm glad it hit the spot! And the notion of the guys at Hogwarts is strangely appealing....


Posted by: squeezynz (squeezynz)
Posted at: July 19th, 2011 08:58 am (UTC)

Just excellent...perfect voice for Billy, and such fun to read.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 19th, 2011 01:51 pm (UTC)
billy considers

I'm glad my Billy voice rings true :) Sometimes the accent is hard to capture in my head.


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