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do i dare or do i dare? [userpic]

SPN Fic: Crazy 1/1

May 19th, 2011 (08:17 am)

Title:  Crazy

Disclaimer:  Not mine

A/N:  I wrote this a long time ago and didn’t know much what to do with it.  So it sat on my computer until sendintheklowns  beta’ed it for me :)

Warnings:  Takes place during MATEOTB. 

Summary:   Chuck can’t decide how this story ends.  Dean may be the hero.  Sam may end up the villain.  But this is more than a story.  This is life, and these are people, and no matter how it turns out, Chuck knows that Dean may be the guy Chuck wants to be, but Sam’s the one who needs a friend, now more than ever.

-o-

It’s been sort of a crazy week.

Okay, a really crazy week.  Chuck’s life is pretty uneventful most of the time, and he usually considers himself lucky if he remembers to get out of bed before noon, and if he can make it through the day without falling asleep at his keyboard, that’s usually a cause to celebrate.

With coffee.  And beer.  Sometimes Pay Per View.  Usually in that order.

So to find out that his characters are real and he’s not been having alcohol induced hallucinations but is in fact a prophet of the Lord?

Is really, really crazy.

Because, really, he would have thought God would have at least pulled some strings to get him with a better publisher and a far better contract.  If this is the word of the Lord...

But that’s not really important.  Chuck doesn’t really want money or fame--he’s always just sort of wanted his sanity.

Okay, not even that.  He’s just been obsessed with seeing how this story plays out.  It’s fascinated him, watching it in his head.  Seeing how the pieces fell into place, how the story moved along.  And he’s been wondering for weeks now what it’s all building to, what endgame is in place.

And it’s not so much that he’s a prophet, because okay, that’s weird, and he doesn’t know what God wants with a guy like him or why the big man upstairs uses visions that would make even the most stable of individuals a little stark raving mad.  But it’s that this isn’t just about characters anymore.

It’s about real people.

Sam and Dean Winchester are real.

Sam really did run off to college, and Dean really did fall in love with a girl named Cassie.  Their father did go AWOL and Jessica really did die.  John made a deal with the Yellow Eyed Demon and then Sam died in Cold Oak and Dean sold his soul.  And if that hadn’t been bad enough, the whole year waiting for it to come due--

Chuck had had to start drinking whiskey just to keep himself afloat.  It was so damned depressing--Dean sleeping around just to avoid thinking about it and Sam skulking to try to find any way to live up to the family legacy.  They were falling apart and Chuck’s story kept getting darker and he didn’t know how to fix them at all.

And then Dean died, and Sam sort of lost his mind, and then there were angels and demon blood and what the hell was Chuck supposed to do with that?

Nothing, apparently.  Even if these weren’t just characters, Chuck was nothing but a messenger.  Not even the idea guy.  He was just pushing the keys that God told him to push.

As if that didn’t suck. 

Because Chuck had become rather fond of his characters.  It was a natural thing for writers--to feel possessive.  And to find out he had no say in it.  That he had no ability to change it--

How was he supposed to live with that?  How was he supposed to live with knowing how badly Sam and Dean were hurting?  How confused they were?  And how they didn’t know what to do with any of it.

They needed to talk.  They needed to clear the air.  They needed to understand each other, and Chuck wanted nothing more to sit down and write it into existence.

But that wasn’t his part. 

No, Chuck was just supposed to write God’s vision down.  To say, “Dean came back from Hell broken and didn’t want to face angels or demons or anything else because he couldn’t deal with what he’d done.”  To say, “Sam died just as much as Dean did, but he never had an angel to pull him back from the brink and he teeters there still.”

That was hard enough when they were characters, but now that they’re real, Chuck feels almost responsible for it all.  Sam and Dean are a part of him, and he doesn’t want their story to turn out wrong.  He doesn’t want them to fight.  He doesn’t want them to die.  He doesn’t want any of this.

And Chuck knows how wrong this can go.  He knows the things that he hasn’t written down.  He knows about the demon blood.  He knows about the angels’ plan.  He knows that all the crap is headed for the fan, but he just doesn’t know who will get creamed when it goes flying.

It could be humanity, and it could be Sam and Dean. 

Chuck’s a writer who is drunk as much as he is sober.  He has a cult hit series that keeps his internet connection strong and his fridge stocked.  That’s all he’s ever asked for.

But now he wants more.  He wants to change how this ends.  He wants to make a difference. For as bad as his life has been--Sam and Dean have had it worse.

Just thinking about it makes Chuck’s head spin.  Dean’s flashy persona has always been easy to love, but Chuck understands that it’s a facade for his own lack of self worth.  There’s a reason why so many female fans have fawned all over him, babying him and building him up.  The fans don’t understand how dead inside Dean feels, and what they do know just makes them love him more.  He’s the classic Mary Sue, whose greatest flaw is not recognizing his own awesomeness.

And Chuck can get that.  He loves Dean--he’s a blast to write.  Dean’s flings are particularly fun to write, and he appreciates Dean’s snark and swagger.  Every story has a big damn hero, and Chuck has to love that Dean is his.

So it’s funny to Chuck that it’s actually Sam who he has a soft spot for--now, more than ever.  Sam is so closed off--always has been.  For all that Dean is accusing Sam of being an emo chick, Sam holds his fears and doubts close to the vest, more than Dean even realizes.  Sam’s never let himself grieve about a lot of things, and he’s internalized every loss as a failure, and Chuck knows how it’s taken its toll.

It’s changed Sam.  Writing him has gotten harder, not because Sam is suddenly hard to understand, but because his flaws are messy and human.  People read for escapism, which makes Dean their winning guy.  Sam’s demons--literally and figuratively--are too real to life.  Sam is a man of grief and loss and failure.

Which was why Chuck was so impressed with Sam’s dogged desire to do the right thing.  Even now, with the things he was doing, it was for good reasons.  Chuck couldn’t be sure Sam was thinking everything through like he should, but he knew Sam’s heart.  He knew Sam’s heart was broken and his moral compass unsettlingly askew because his world had no grounding.

In some ways, Chuck always felt like he had to apologize for Sam, which was why he’d left the demon blood out of the books.  But the more Chuck thought about it, the more he realized that he left the blood out because it didn’t matter.

Okay, yes, it did matter, but not like it seemed.  Sam was more than the demon blood.  Sam was more than his failures.  Sam was his good intentions, his desperate attempts, his broken resolution.  Heroes didn’t always do the right thing, but they always tried.

Sam was trying.

To Chuck, that was what mattered.  Meeting Sam, talking to him, he believed it more than ever.  He can’t be sure if Sam’s doing the right thing, but he knows Sam’s trying.

Everyone wants to be Dean, but that’s why Sam’s the one who matters in this story.  Sam’s playing the part that no one wants to play.  He’s living the role that may turn out wrong, but doing his best with it anyway.  He’s no one’s hero, which is why his efforts are so remarkable.

He just wants people to see that--especially those right around him.  But Dean’s still tied up in his own issues and Castiel is following orders and Ruby has an agenda Chuck hasn’t seen yet and Chuck’s just a prophet of the Lord.

Chuck can’t decide how this story ends.  Dean may be the hero.  Sam may end up the villain.  But this is more than a story.  This is life, and these are people, and no matter how it turns out, Chuck knows that Dean may be the guy Chuck wants to be, but Sam’s the one who needs a friend, now more than ever.

So it’s been a crazy week.

Somehow Chuck knows that next week and the week after that and all the weeks and days and months to come--are just going to get even crazier with Dean and Sam Winchester.  After all, they’re not just running through his drunken fits, but they’re fighting their way through life.  And that’s worth more than a paycheck.

It’s worth more than being a prophet.

Chuck has a feeling it’s worth the fate of the world.

At least, if this was his story, that’s how he’d write it.  If God has different plans, then there’s not much Chuck can do about that.

Comments

Posted by: Dani (pinkphoenix1985)
Posted at: May 19th, 2011 05:19 pm (UTC)

Faye, this is absolutely brilliant and just so heartbreaking

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 24th, 2011 02:01 am (UTC)
brothers herding

Thank you :) And it's good to hear from you! Seems like it's been awhile.

Posted by: Dani (pinkphoenix1985)
Posted at: May 24th, 2011 02:28 pm (UTC)

It has been a while :) I did notice that you're writing H50 fic which is awesome just I haven't gotten into reading fic for that show yet.

How are you doing?

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 26th, 2011 01:46 pm (UTC)
broken sam

My muse is pretty all over the place these days. It keeps life interesting to say the least.

I'm pretty good overall. A little crazy, but I think that's a part of life. We're expecting our second baby right now, so that's adding a whole new layer to things :)

What's new with you?

Posted by: Dani (pinkphoenix1985)
Posted at: May 28th, 2011 10:49 am (UTC)

I'm sure and I'm so happy that you've continued to write fanfic albeit in other fandoms :)

Congrats! Your little man must be so excited at the idea that he'll be a big brother :D

Nothing much is new with me. I have another year left to the Psych degree and then I'll probably take a year off and work before doing the MA but besides that I'm good.

Posted by: dangomango (dangomango)
Posted at: May 19th, 2011 05:25 pm (UTC)

It's been a long time since I've been able to buy Dean as any sort of hero (if S4 didn't kill it for me, the seasons after it almost certainly did) but I have missed your writing so much. SO MUCH. Even if it is so sad. *sobs*

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 24th, 2011 02:02 am (UTC)
find me

The show has managed to destroy much of the affection I had for Dean. Which is sad and largely why I've stopped watching.

But sometimes these characters still make me ache.

Thanks!

Posted by: sendintheclowns (sendintheklowns)
Posted at: May 20th, 2011 07:47 pm (UTC)
Pulse

I was always so very happy that Chuck got Sam. It was mean (but funny) that he didn't give Dean warning about getting hit by the minivan but I appreciated how Chuck tried to understand Sam's point of view and be a sounding board for him in Monster. Your fic follows right along those lines and you get a hug for making Chuck see how lonely and in need of support Sam is at this time.

*hugs*

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 24th, 2011 02:03 am (UTC)
pretty sam s5

I do wish the show had given Sam more opportunities to bond with Chuck--he definitely needed a friend.

Thanks, as always :)

Posted by: meckman37 (meckman37)
Posted at: May 25th, 2011 06:39 pm (UTC)
Just what I needed to read!

Such a good story--and so sad. I'm still watching the show, but it's getting so hard to like Dean (who I used to really like). And Sam is just breaking my heart.

You've hit the nail on the head: Dean is who everyone seems to want to be, the Gary Stu. But then there's Sam, who never stops trying.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: May 26th, 2011 01:13 pm (UTC)
Re: Just what I needed to read!
wistful

I've let myself watch part of the finale, but that's about the extent of what I've given into. My issues with Dean's portrayal is a huge reason why I don't watch. He's just not who I thought he was and it's just hard to deal with because I don't want to dislike him.

Even without watching, Sam breaks my heart.

Anyway, I'm glad you liked :)

Posted by: carocali (carocali)
Posted at: February 23rd, 2012 10:21 pm (UTC)

Sorry I've been so off the map. This is very insightful, as your writings always are. You're absolutely right that Dean is fun loving but Sam is the real hero because of all he has to fight for and live with.

I miss you in this fandom.

Hope you are well (did you get my valentine?)

:D

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: March 8th, 2012 01:51 pm (UTC)
geekboy

You're not the only one off the map. My life is pretty much wildly out of control these days :)

I miss some of the people in this fandom but I actually can't say I miss the fandom at all. I like angst most of the time but the vitriol between the characters and fans was a bit too much!

And I did! I was way off my game this year on Christmas cards but it was great hearing your yearly update (even though it sounds like quite the tumultuous year for you!).

Thanks!

Posted by: CJ (reggie11)
Posted at: July 30th, 2013 02:31 am (UTC)

I do love me some Chuck. I also lost a great deal of affection for Dean from Season 4 onwards. He's just too much of a black and white guy, there are no shades. I think the writers did him a great injustice by writing him as someone so unwilling to even try and see Sam's POV. I mean he couldn't go more than one day with Sam dead yet he couldn't understand why Sam went off the rails when Dean not only died but went to hell for Sam. The guilt would kill anyone. I thought in later seasons they would fix that attitude but no matter what Sam does Dean only seems to see the bad and none of the good intentions. Sam is a far more sympathetic character in my opinion.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: August 20th, 2013 12:57 am (UTC)
lost innocence

I had a lot of trouble with S4 and S5 overall, which is really why I stopped watching. I'm glad there are still people who find my fic worth reading, though!

Thanks!

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