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The Last Line

October 2nd, 2009 (02:13 pm)

Title: The Last Line

Summary: Sam says yes in a rundown street in Detroit. Spoilers for 5.04.

A/N: There were good things and not so good things about this ep for me, and one of the nagging question I kept having was: Why did Sam say yes? So I decided to answer my own question. Quick beta was provided by geminigrl11 . Also, I didn’t go back and check the timeline or things so I can’t remember for sure if the show said what year Sam gave in at the showdown in Detroit. So I just guessed. If I’m wrong, I can tweak it later but it’s not super important to the overall fic.

Disclaimer: Nope. Not mine.

 

-o-

I’ve crossed the last line

From where I can’t return

Where every step I took in faith

Betrayed me

And led me from my home

-from Sweet Surrender by Sarah MacLachlan

-o-

Sam says yes in a rundown street in Detroit.

The buildings around him are smoking, with all the windows blasted out. Somewhere, there is a car horn going off, and Sam can smell the blood--human and demon--all around him.

There are bodies everywhere. Infected foot soldiers and possessed officers of Lucifer’s army, and that doesn’t even begin to count the fallen resistance. Sam’s as sickened by it as he is drawn to it, and sometimes he wonders if the pangs in his stomach are from hunger or addiction.

He hasn’t eaten in days.

He hasn’t had blood in two years.

Two years since Sam started this.

Two years since Sam learned who he was. Not just a failure, not just an addict. Not just the rejected, screw up brother. But Lucifer’s chosen one.

It always had to be you.

It’s a mantra, whispered in the back of his head so often that he’s not sure if it’s Lucifer’s voice or his own. Or if there’s any difference anymore.

He’s done what he can. He kills demons every chance he gets. He has memorized countless exorcisms and he can draw a devil’s trap in three minutes flat. He can summon a demon with five Latin verses and he can dispatch it with another six. Demons fear him now, even as they mock him and invite him home.

The fact that sometimes Sam wants to is enough to keep him fighting.

He hears of others--of an organized resistance, of camps and survivors and Dean.

Dean’s their leader, as he should be, and sometimes Sam thinks to call, to ask how he is, to ask if maybe they can come together yet.

Because Sam misses Dean. He misses his brother’s jokes. He misses his brother’s bad habits. He misses the way Dean sleeps with his mouth open and how he sings in the shower. He misses the way he cleans the guns and the way he used to say my brother like it meant something.

Sam misses his brother and he misses being a part of a family. He travels alone, now, meeting up with hunters from time to time--those who will trust him, anyway. He keeps in check with Bobby until Bobby stops answering his phone and Sam hears about a demonic uprising in South Dakota.

Sam’s not Bobby’s surrogate son anymore. Sam’s not Dean’s brother. Sam’s just Lucifer’s Chosen and he’s going to say yes.

He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to believe. But Lucifer comes to him every night. Every time Sam closes his eyes, he’s there. He tells Sam that he’s special, that he’s chosen. He tells Sam that Dean doesn’t want him, that Dean thinks Sam’s weak, that Dean thinks Sam’s already fallen. He tells Sam that he failed his father. He tells Sam that he failed Bobby. He tells Sam that he failed to save Jessica, his father, his brother, the world.

He tells Sam he’s already failed in every possible way, so this one last question doesn’t mean anything.

Lucifer has never lied to him.

Sometimes, Sam can’t remember why he still says no.

It’s a default, a coping mechanism that he learned when he was eight years old. No, no, no, no. No, Sam doesn’t want to hunt. No, Sam won’t fall in line. No, Sam won’t listen to reason. No, Sam won’t be the good son. No, Sam won’t become Lucifer’s vessel.

But the yes is always there. Whispered so often that it echoes in his head until it is all he hears. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

When it gets too much, Sam shoots himself in the head. Once, he even threw himself off a cliff.

It doesn’t make a difference.

You’re going to say yes.

Detroit is a battle they’ve won. They’ve killed all the infected and Sam has exorcised the last demon. Sure, he’s missing a few fingers and his nose is squashed into his face and his knee has been blown out and he’s lightheaded with blood loss, but they’ve won this one.

Sam wants to be proud of that.

Sam doesn’t remember how.

He cough, and chokes on something acrid in this throat. He spits blood and lets himself go limp on the pavement.

He can’t remember.

He can remember how he got here. He knows it’s all his fault. But he can’t remember who he is. Why this matters. He can’t remember being Sam, he can’t remember being a part of a family. He can’t remember why no is the most important thing.

Then he sees him. Walking through the streets. Leather jacket, thick boots, and all that swagger.

Sam’s eyes fill with tears as his brother approaches. Licking his lips, Sam wants to call out, to beg for forgiveness, but his throat is strained and he realizes that he can hardly speak at all.

“Sammy,” Dean says. “Still saying no. Still rebelling just for the sake of rebellion.”

At that, Sam can’t stop the tears. He shakes his head. “No,” he croaks. “No.”

Looking down, Dean’s lips quirk into a sympathetic smile. “You’re still fighting what you’re meant to be. Deep down, you know it’s true. You went to college to avoid hunting. You didn’t shoot Dad to avoid breaking us apart. You didn’t use your powers to avoid disappointing me. You didn’t listen to me to avoid facing your failure. When are you going to learn, Sammy? That sometimes you just have to be the good son.”

Sam broke with a sob. “No,” he says again. “Please, Dean, no.”

“Just say it, Sam,” Dean says, and he kneels down. “You already failed. You’ve already given in. Just say yes and make this end. Accept your failure. Let my burden be over, once and for all.”

It’s too much. It’s too much. It’s been too much for years now, and Sam can’t remember. His body hurts and his mind is fuzzy. He can end it--not for himself, but for Dean, for them both. Once he lets this happen, the story can end, and people can stop dying in the in between.

He’s been a rebel with a misguided cause for too long. It’s his turn to obey, to be the good son, and to just stop fighting for the sake of fighting. Some things are inevitable. Some things are meant to be.

“Will you let me in, Sam?” Dean’s voice asks. “Will you let me in once and for all?”

And Sam closes his eyes, forgets about the burning streets and the bloody corpses. He forgets about the dying world and the raging demons. He forgets about who he is, what he’s doing, who he wanted to be. He forgets everything except Dean and the burden he should have never carried and says it like a prayer he’s finally remembered after all these years:

Yes.

 

Comments

Page 1 of 2[1][2]
Posted by: MacByrne (macbyrne)
Posted at: October 2nd, 2009 08:27 pm (UTC)

This broke my goddamn heart. And Lucifer, appearing as Dean?? *sobs* Sneaky, sneaky Lucifer, and poor, poor Sammy. Broke my goddamn heart. Fantastic job.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:50 pm (UTC)
alone

After seeing him appear as Jess, I figured nothing was out of the question. And if you want to break Sam, all you need is Dean.

Thanks!

Posted by: ChristianGateFan (cgf_kat)
Posted at: October 2nd, 2009 09:21 pm (UTC)

*cries* I knew it had to be something like that--Lucifer wearing him down, tricking him, giving him no choice. He wouldn't have just done it willingly, and that's where my thoughts went when I heard future!Dean say that Sam had said yes. This was pretty much how I figured it would have had to go for it to happen, and it's heart-wreching. You did a really good job here.

Off to read new GG chapter now! (And hopefully finishing one of my own, since I'm FINALYY a little less busy. :P Ugh school projects have been crazy.)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:51 pm (UTC)
broken together

I think anyone else would give in far faster to Lucifer. The fact that Sam lasted years is testament enough to his stubbornness. But, in the end, it's not a fight Sam can hope to win--especially not alone.

Thanks!

Posted by: percysowner (percysowner)
Posted at: October 2nd, 2009 10:51 pm (UTC)

This is actually the one way I can see Sam saying yes, not to Lucifer, but to Dean.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:52 pm (UTC)
i have these nightmares

It's funny because when I started writing this, I didn't have it in mind that Lucifer would appear as Dean. But as I was writing, it just made sense.

Thanks!

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:53 pm (UTC)
monster limp

I do hope the show bothers to tell us, though I'm skeptical they will. Until then, I had to fill in the blanks for my personal sanity.

Thanks!

Posted by: iyalode (iyalode)
Posted at: October 3rd, 2009 03:31 am (UTC)
SPN: EvilSam in red & yellows

Oh. Very nicely done. This scenario really works for me, and it's heartbreaking that he says yes to image of Dean. Wonderful.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:53 pm (UTC)
dazed

It does seem like the best way to get to Sam is to use Dean--especially after years of alienation. Sam would be ripe for breaking.

Thanks!

Posted by: *Bright (starbright73)
Posted at: October 3rd, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC)
Speculum animi

*cries*

Yes, this is why Sam would cave, if Dean asked him in Lucifer's form and guilt.tripped him. Because he's so downbeaten right now that I have no idea how he's ever going to survive if not accepted by someone.

My heart just breaks for Sam. Over and over again. Thank you for writing this.

And may K rot in the pit for piling everything on Sam.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:54 pm (UTC)
behold the limp

Poor Sam--he really does need some unconditional acceptance--he needs to be validated. It's a basic human need and without it, Sam will always flounder.

Thanks!

Posted by: *Bright (starbright73)
Posted at: October 3rd, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)

*cries*

Yes, this is why Sam would cave, if Dean asked him in Lucifer's form and guilt.tripped him. Because he's so downbeaten right now that I have no idea how he's ever going to survive if not accepted by someone.

My heart just breaks for Sam. Over and over again. Thank you for writing this.

And may K rot in the pit for piling everything on Sam.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:55 pm (UTC)
christmas awe

LOL, double post, but I'm still going to say thanks again :)

Posted by: *Bright (starbright73)
Posted at: October 3rd, 2009 05:33 pm (UTC)

Ooops, sorry for double posting. LJ is having a fit on me!

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:55 pm (UTC)
winchester brothers

It happens to all of us.

Posted by: Dani (pinkphoenix1985)
Posted at: October 4th, 2009 10:15 am (UTC)

wow! Faye, wow! this is exactly what I felt went down when FD told PD that Sam had died and then later that he's Lucifer...all that's missing is FD's pov when he heard the news- I think that in the deepest part of him- he was very upset and grieved for Sam...

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:56 pm (UTC)
wistful

I could not stand it that they didn't tell us--I would think that would be a pretty major plot point. I could go into how this reflects on how the show views Sam but I will spare you :)

Thanks!

Posted by: Dani (pinkphoenix1985)
Posted at: October 10th, 2009 10:36 am (UTC)

Posted by: rieyll (rieyll)
Posted at: October 5th, 2009 03:47 am (UTC)

Here by siscokid98's rec.

Oh! I love this! I love that he says yes to Dean, and not to Lucifer.

Bad Lucifer for using Dean.

Oh, Sam. *bawls*

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:56 pm (UTC)
skin limp lights

Oh, Sam, indeed.

*offers tissue*

Thanks!

Posted by: irishka1205 (irishka1205)
Posted at: October 5th, 2009 04:23 am (UTC)
Hero

*cries*

Yes, definitely very believable.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:57 pm (UTC)
pretty sam

Poor Sam probably doesn't stand much of a chance. He was right to want to face it by Dean's side in order to even the odds.

Thanks!

Posted by: Blonde on the inside (stormcloude)
Posted at: October 5th, 2009 08:48 am (UTC)
sn boys peeking

Oh, this is so lovely and painful and exactly how it must have happened. (I really wanted to see that in the episode too.)

Thanks for sharing it.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:57 pm (UTC)
rest

I have a very small hope that maybe the show will tell us someday. But, maybe not. Until then, this is the way I make it parse.

Thanks!

Posted by: Fabi (fabilimah)
Posted at: October 5th, 2009 11:34 am (UTC)

you're awesome
thanks for this!

Fabi from SFTCOL(AR)S

;)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 10:58 pm (UTC)
whole

Hey :)

And thank you! I'm glad you liked it!

Posted by: sothereyougo (sothereyougo)
Posted at: October 5th, 2009 03:58 pm (UTC)
Sleeping!Sam close-up Sleep text

My angst tolerance is broken from over-use, but I read this anyway. Hee! :) I think this is a plausible explanation for how it might happen in this particular through-line to the future, and it's so painfully effective. I'm just afraid we'll never find out what happened because having Sam and Dean start working together again is probably enough to prevent that particular scenario from ever even taking place in Detroit, which would give show an excuse not to ever tell us explicitly what happened since they can say, "Well, technically it didn't ever actually occur." *BLEAH* Did I mention I have total and utter angst-burn-out because I so do?

I avoid spoilers and so don't know what the next ep is about much except that it at least appears possible that we might get a little bit of a break from the unending despair and gloom of the myth arc. I could use a break from it myself for sure!!!

Anyway, this is well-written and heart-breaking, and I can't say I "enjoyed" it because it hurts too much, but I do greatly appreciate the skill and talent of it, and I thank you for sharing it, especially since fic may be the only explanation we ever get. *is whiny and apologizes for inflicting the whinage here* *tries to smile, but it goes melty and slides off my face*

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 11:00 pm (UTC)
killer

It's hard to watch this show and NOT get lost in angst. And I'm kind of thinking we won't know why Sam says yes even though it really should be spelled out as it is kind of important. It just sort of goes to show me some of the inequity of the writing, but I digress.

Spoilers are overrated but if the show doesn't take a turn of the better soon, I may need a break myself. Angst lends itself to writing, but I really do want a happy ending, myself.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts as always. It's a pleasure to hear from you! Thanks!

Posted by: Damsean (damsean)
Posted at: October 6th, 2009 09:20 am (UTC)

*sobs in her pillow* I believe that this is the only way sam ends up saying yes,*blows noes* Awesome job Faye,Thankss :) *goes back to her pillow*

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: October 7th, 2009 11:00 pm (UTC)
scarred for life

Poor Sammy! I hope the show tells us one day.

Thanks!

60 Read Comments
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