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do i dare or do i dare? [userpic]

On the Outside

September 18th, 2009 (02:59 pm)

Title: On the Outside

Summary: He doesn’t know the name of the motel. He doesn’t know what city he’s in. He just knows the night is edging toward its climax and his only goal is to hold on until morning. Tag to 5.02.

A/N: This was about the most heartbreaking ep ever. At first I didn’t think I had a tag in mind, but Brenna asked and it IS her birthday, so this little vignette is for her. And for Sam. Who desperately needs something right now, and I wish there was something more hopeful I could write for him. Thanks to geminigrl11 for the fast beta.

Disclaimer: Not mine. If they were, I would take Sam away and take care of him until he believed in himself again.

 

-o-

And I lie

Here in bed

All alone

I can’t mend

-from “Colors” by Staind

-o-

Sam is in a motel bed. It’s hot, but Sam leaves the windows closed and the air conditioner off. He covers himself with the sheet and folds the comforter down. He lies on his back and stares at the ceiling as the seconds pass by.

He doesn’t know the name of the motel. He doesn’t know what city he’s in. He just knows the night is edging toward its climax and his only goal is to hold on until morning.

He fills his days with hitchhiking and research. He coops up in the back of libraries and the corner booths of rundown diners. He pores over texts as though he’s looking for an answer, but all he’s looking for is another way to pass the time.

Because there are no answers for Sam to find. There’s just more failure. More loss and devastation that are all Sam’s fault.

He tries to eat, but everything tastes like ash, and he finds himself craving the bitter tang of blood. Sometimes the hunger pulls so deep that it seems to burn through his veins with every beat of his heart until he finds himself leaned over the toilet, retching with dry heaves. But he can’t throw it up. It’s there, inside of him, and it always will be there, and he has no way to deal with that.

He tries to focus, but every task seems too important for someone like him to tackle, and he finds himself torn between the power to make a difference and the knowledge that it’s a power he cannot trust himself to use.

The days fade into nights, and Sam sleeps in motel rooms only to keep himself away from other people. Locked up in four walls with the bolt sealed tight is the only thing that seems right anymore. He lays lines of salt and blesses the walls, not to keep things out, but to keep himself in.

It’s supposed to be a journey to discover himself, to find his own value, to believe in his own worth again.

There’s just one problem: he knows who he is. He knows that he wasted his own value by trusting a demon and destroying the world. He believes that he forfeited his own worth the day he turned his back on his brother.

There is nothing left.

No research will make a difference. No lives saved will change the result. Sam failed. Sam failed and he’s damned for it, now and always.

Dean said it himself: he can’t trust Sam. It can never be the way it was. He’s holding Dean back--the great irony of that. Dean offered him the Impala because Dean doesn’t need the Impala any more than he needs the amulet. Anymore than he needs Sam.

The world is a scary place, full of evil and wrong, and Sam knows now he can trust one thing and one thing only. Not the angels, not the demons, not even himself, but Dean.

Dean believes Sam can’t be trusted.

Dean’s right.

Dean believes Sam isn’t worth fighting for.

Dean’s right.

Dean believes that Sam’s not useful to the cause.

Dean’s right.

There is a finality to that that Sam can’t fight. He won’t fight. Sam’s done with demon blood. Sam’s done with hunting. Sam’s done hoping Dean will see him as someone better than he is. Sam’s just done.

In the lonely shadows of the motel room, sleep never comes, and Sam thinks about the few weapons he took from the Impala. He left the knife for Dean, but he has a blade. He has a pistol and he still has a shotgun and enough rounds to make it count for one last hunt.

Sam wonders. How easy it would be to end it. How easy it would be to just get it over. It’s been a week and Dean hasn’t called, and Sam trusts that the fight is too important for Dean to come for him, even if he did find out. There would be no crying over Sam’s body. There would be no deals to make. Just the sense that this was over. Maybe that Sam screwed up one last time.

The thought makes Sam want to smile. Suicide is selfish; this much is true. But at this point, after everything, Sam knows he has nothing left to lose. He's made his worst mistake. Anything else can only be an improvement.

He holds onto this dream until daybreak, and then he sits up in bed, and starts his penance once again.

 

Comments

Posted by: iilaiia (iilaiia)
Posted at: September 18th, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC)

That's horribly depressing. How could Dean let him go like that? Knowing how bad he felt, knowing how responsible he felt? :( That's not the Dean I fell in love with season 1. If I had Sam I'd make damn sure he knew how loved he is and how valuable he is. Thanks for this fanfic. Your writing is amazing as always.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: September 22nd, 2009 03:05 am (UTC)
brothers malleus

It's not the Dean I fell in love with either. I hope the show brings him back or I will just never be able to like him again.

Thanks!

Posted by: sidura (sidura)
Posted at: September 18th, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC)

I want to cry now - not to mention hand Sam a teddy even if a bit of me thinks he needs to go through something like this.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: September 22nd, 2009 03:06 am (UTC)
hope2

Aw, Sam so needs a teddy bear. And a lot of hugs. The poor boy :(

Thanks.

Posted by: Blahbaby (blahbaby)
Posted at: September 18th, 2009 11:40 pm (UTC)
sammy!

*dies* OMG! You killed me! This so this and where I imagine Sam's head is right now. Poor Sammy. How the hell is he going to come back from this?

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: September 22nd, 2009 03:07 am (UTC)
the things I'd do

*dies with you*

Poor Sam, indeed. I do love him, but I worry for him immensely.

(BTW, did you ever post fic?)

Thanks!

Posted by: sendintheclowns (sendintheklowns)
Posted at: September 19th, 2009 12:24 am (UTC)

First off, a big happy birthday to Brenna!

I do believe at this point that suicide is in Sam's thoughts; I don't think he'll act on it because he doesn't want to lay that kind of guilt trip on Dean. Unlike big brother who barely gave a thought to consigning himself to hell so that Sam (who hadn't even asked for it) could be resurrected. *sigh*

I always love when you crawl around inside Sam's angsty mind and you totally nailed it imo.


Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: September 22nd, 2009 03:09 am (UTC)
rest

Suicide has to be in Sam's thoughts--I don't think he'd do it for the reasons you'd lay out, but Sam has to wonder what value he has now?

Thanks :)

Posted by: medusafox (medusafox)
Posted at: September 19th, 2009 02:59 am (UTC)

As if I haven't cried enough tears over this episode! This is really insightful into where Sam's thoughts and feelings must be right now. Where will he go from here? He's right in one thing, no one can help him right now, he has to help himself.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: September 22nd, 2009 03:10 am (UTC)
spooned

I just wish he didn't have to be the only one there for himself. No one should have to face such darkness alone. Ever. No matter what.

Thanks!

Posted by: percysowner (percysowner)
Posted at: September 19th, 2009 03:49 am (UTC)

I absolutely agree that Sam may well be suicidal at this point. We know he was willing to die to avenge Jess. We know he was planning suicide when he couldn't free Dean from Hell. Sam is at his lowest point right now. I can only hope that he can find himself and that at some point Dean will actually understand that Sam didn't choose Ruby, he chose to lose his soul to save the world.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: September 22nd, 2009 03:11 am (UTC)
not a good day

I totally agree. There is so much more to the choice than Ruby v. Dean. The fact that Dean can't see that just shows how little Dean really gets it. Someone needs to smack him until he gets his head screwed on straight again.

Thanks!

Posted by: Dani (pinkphoenix1985)
Posted at: September 19th, 2009 08:24 am (UTC)

Faye- *just sobs* so utterly heartbreaking...

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: September 22nd, 2009 03:11 am (UTC)
never desert you

*offers tissue*

Maybe it'll get better? I'm not convinced but I can pretend to hope for now.

Posted by: Dani (pinkphoenix1985)
Posted at: September 22nd, 2009 12:23 pm (UTC)

*takes tissue* thx!

Maybe this will make it slightly better:
http://pinkphoenix1985.livejournal.com/158001.html#cutid1 I posted up my story :D

Posted by: *Bright (starbright73)
Posted at: September 19th, 2009 01:39 pm (UTC)

This is exactly where Kripke has painted Sam, into a corner from which he can't come out anything but a loser.

I love Sam to pieces, and I can't stand Kripke.

The pain Sam is going through, and has, ever since Dean made the deal, has never really been touched. But I imagine it's something like this. An endless circle of self-bame without any light at the end of the tunnel since there is no one there for him. Well, in retrospect, there really never has been anyone therre sine the beginning of the series. Dean has a the support he needs in Sam, in Bobby and now in his new BFF cas.

I haven't seen the eps but I've read metas and I'm surprised that no-one has mentioned that the moment Dean could tell Sam he didn't trust him was when the knew his BFF Cas was back. The moment he can bid Sam good-bye is when he knows Cas will be there. Dean's still the same, he only changes objects. Now he doesn't need Sam since he has Cas and he's doing the same thing he accuses Sam of doing and furthermore, breaking his trust with that action. Dean totally lacks intropection and meta-cognition.

I'm amazed Sam didn't eat a gun a long time ago; his strength is amazing, just as his compassion.

I wished I would have stomached to see Sam's story to the end, but kripke's story is failing me so much I'm resorting to fanfics by now. This one is beautiful as always, and so very touching. Poor Sam, he's ever going to be allowed to do one thing right and or that I want to bitch-slap Kripke Co.


Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: September 22nd, 2009 03:13 am (UTC)
boredom

First, I'm sorry you left the board :(

Second, Sam's the ONLY reason I watch the show.

Third, I think I kind of agree with you on Dean. And I think he's really just being arrogant--Sam's weakness makes him feel strong and I think he likes that.

Ugh.

I wish I had the guts to NOT watch this show. So kudos :)

Thanks!

Posted by: MacByrne (macbyrne)
Posted at: September 19th, 2009 04:08 pm (UTC)

This breaks my heart, thinking of poor Sam all alone, with nothing but his remorse and his guilt to keep him company. Dean better step up and find his brother SOON, before something bad happens to the both of them! Great job!

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: September 22nd, 2009 03:14 am (UTC)
devastation

Heck yeah--I'm waiting for Dean to actually be the man I thought he was--not this arrogant, cold, selfish approximation.

Thanks!

Posted by: ghostfour (ghostfour)
Posted at: September 19th, 2009 10:03 pm (UTC)

Wow. Again. This is so much of what I see Sam thinking...where even suicide is denied him. Because he trusts Dean... and Dean said he wasn't worth the fight.

You have brought me to my emotional knees... again.

PS: Happy birthday to Brenna! Hope she has a good one. :)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: September 22nd, 2009 03:14 am (UTC)
geekboy

Poor Sam :(

He has no hope. I just hate that. He NEEDS hope.

SOMEONE GIVE SAM SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.

Is that too much to ask for?

Anyway, thanks :)

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