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Whiskey and Sympathy

February 12th, 2008 (01:59 pm)

Title: Whiskey and Sympathy

Summary: It's two in the afternoon and Sam needs a drink.

A/N: A missing scene for DALDOM. Just because I was angry and because Sam's actions so often make no sense so we're left to figure out his reasons for him. Beta'ed by geminigrl11  and Rachelly.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Sometimes I wouldn't even want to claim them.

-o-

It's two in the afternoon and Sam needs a drink.

That's not usually Sam's thing. Alcohol has never been appealing to him, not like it has to Dean.

He'd watched his father drink through down times at home, alone and hard, a bottle of Jack in his hand as he huddled on a dingy motel room sofa. Sam had known enough to keep his distance then; his father always looked so sad, so old, so rusted, that Sam wondered what his mother ever saw in him.

Dean likes to drink, though, and always has. Sam remembers Dean's early hunts and how beer was his way of celebrating. Dean was too young to drink, and Sam was old enough to know it, but if Dean could kill evil things, then surely Dean could handle a few cans. Dean was always happy when he drank, smiling and full of life, though the way he held the bottle looked just like their father, almost like it belonged there, and sometimes, Sam was jealous of that ease.

At college, there'd been parties, but Sam had rarely gone. Willingly, anyway. His friends took him sometimes, and Jess liked to go. She never liked beer, she said it tasted funny, but she liked wine with dinner, always red and sweet and Sam liked the way it made her giggle. Alcohol was useful then, to loosen him up, to help him forget, to help him overcome all the failures and rejections that had gotten him there.

Now, though, it's two in the afternoon and Sam needs a drink.

He didn't drink when Jess died, he didn't drink when his father died. He didn't even drink when he died, though looking back he kind of wishes he had. Because that's when it all fell apart, he knows, that's where the train went off the tracks. That's when Sam lost himself, and he's been walking around for months without knowing how to find himself again.

Cold Oak was his last stand, his only stand, his moment of glory when he stood up against the demon, his destiny, and all the plans in the world to make him evil. He'd been strong, if only for that moment, and Sam doesn't even care that it got him killed because it was still his choice, his mistake, and no one had made it for him. He'd died a good person. He can't be sure he came back the same.

Because he's angry and he's useless and he's hot and cold and lukewarm all at once. His brother's going to hell, and Sam needs to save him, wants to save him, doesn't know how to save him, can't save him. Some days, he researches until he falls asleep on the books. Other days, he can't even look at a book at all. Then, sometimes, he's mad at Dean for doing this to him, to both of them, for not realizing that some things are worse than death.

A lot of things.

The bar isn't crowded, but it's only two in the afternoon, so Sam doesn't expect it to be. He doesn't know where Dean is, and right now he just can't care. He hopes that Dean is off somewhere having fun at least, flirting or sleeping or eating or something else so utterly Dean because Dean deserves that.

It's not hard to sit down, it's not even hard to order the whiskey. The bartender doesn't know him, doesn't care about him, and whiskey is Dean's drink, and Sam wishes like hell he could be like his brother. Noble and good and dead set on never failing. Even when that means defying death, on dragging Sam's ass back from the Great Beyond. Because that's just Dean Winchester for you. Nothing stops him. Not hell or high water--

Well, maybe hell. They might all find out.

And that's the wrong way to think. He has to save Dean, he has to pull Dean back just like Dean pulled him back. Sam needs to be the good brother, he needs to not be too little, too late. He needs to do something right even if it means getting himself dirty in the process. A year ago, his only fear was going evil. Now his only fear is letting Dean down.

He takes a drink of whiskey and it burns down his throat.

Dean's scared of dying. Dean's scared of living. Dean's scared of him. And Sam doesn't have anything to show for it. He doesn't have a lead beyond Ruby, who's elusive as hell, and he doesn't have a hope in hell. All his contacts think so, and Bobby only looks at him with this sick kind of pity that makes Sam want to curl up and die.

He takes another drink.

Maybe he wishes he'd never come back at all. The only thing that ever made sense was being dead, was getting killed, was dying doing the right thing, no matter how stupid it was. Dean always said he was the selfish one, so really, dying and leaving Dean would have been true to his character.

The whiskey sloshes in his cup and he grits his teeth. He doesn't have a choice in that. Not anymore. He made his stand, and Dean undid it, so why the hell couldn't he feel grateful?

Why the hell is it two in the afternoon and he's drinking whiskey? Jess would be horrified, Dad would be surprised, and Dean would just be disappointed.

Because Dean doesn't think about things like this. Dean doesn't worry about himself. He worries about Sam, he does anything and everything for Sam, and Sam can't even live up to that deal, can't even find a way out of it.

He takes another drink, swallowing hard and closing his eyes.

Dean's deal was stupid, but it wasn't selfish. It was blind, it was duty-based, but it wasn't selfish. His older brother is many things, but selfish isn't one of them, and the fact of the matter is that he can't do this alone. Neither of them can. They die together or the live together and the only way out of the deal is together. Because the research makes Sam's head spin and the load is too much to carry and he needs Dean. He needs him, and Dean still can't bring himself help Sam out with that. Dean still doesn't care enough about himself to do that.

And Sam is trying to get drunk in the afternoon when his brother is dying and it's all for him and there's no answer except that he needs Dean.

It doesn't make sense, and Sam doesn't think it has to. Because he was dead and now he's alive and Dean's dying and Sam doesn't know how to stop it and Dean doesn't even seem to care and it's two in the afternoon and Sam is getting drunk.

That's all there is to it, last stands and drinking and brothers who should be more or less or everything.

So Sam holds the glass to his lips and tips it back and lets the whiskey burn him all the way through.

Comments

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 12:48 am (UTC)
needs a hug

It's kind of funny to me how this fic seemed to work so well when I spent so little time writing it. Usually when I write, it's like pulling teeth, but I sat down and had this thing out in a half hour of angry typing.

But oh Sam, indeed.

Posted by: Dani (pinkphoenix1985)
Posted at: February 12th, 2008 08:27 pm (UTC)

Faye!! that's so beautiful and sad!

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 12:48 am (UTC)
devastation

It seems like the boys are just in a sad, sad place this season. It asks for nothing but angst in fic.

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 12:50 am (UTC)
fallen

Of all the things that frustrate me this season (and there are quite a few), one of the huge ones is the lack of attention to Sam's death. I mean, the guy DIED and he hasn't said anything about it and it just boggles my mind because if I died and was resurrected I'm pretty sure I'd have something to say! Or think! Or whatever!

Anyway, thanks :)

Posted by: It's a lid and it's black. (blacklid)
Posted at: February 12th, 2008 10:30 pm (UTC)
Having a Sam moment

Cold Oak was his last stand, his only stand, his moment of glory when he stood up against the demon, his destiny, and all the plans in the world to make him evil. He'd been strong, if only for that moment, and Sam doesn't even care that it got him killed because it was still his choice, his mistake, and no one had made it for him. He'd died a good person. He can't be sure he came back the same. ... A year ago, his only fear was going evil. Now his only fear is letting Dean down. ... He made his stand, and Dean undid it, so why the hell couldn't he feel grateful?

You just said EVERYTHING.
Holy crap, I better stop, or I'm going to quote this whole thing back to you. Have I ever told you how much I love how you write Sam? Okay. I LOVE HOW YOU WRITE SAM.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 12:50 am (UTC)
lost

Well I love writing Sam so I guess it works out for both of us?

Thanks :)

Posted by: Tori Love (lostandalone22)
Posted at: February 13th, 2008 01:26 am (UTC)
Angst

This is really good. I love your look into Sam's mind and what he's going through with this.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 12:51 am (UTC)
longway

I really want more insight into Sam's pretty head, and if the show won't give it to us, I guess we have to look for it in fic. Thanks!

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 12:53 am (UTC)
Re: yeah. sam said it.
little bro 2

How both boys aren't just completely overburdened with regret is beyond me. There's so much guilt and regret and depression to go around it's not even funny.

It's hard to write about the outcome of the deal because I know there'll be some resolution but I have no idea what. Nothing has struck me as of yet, but I imagine the boys will get more desperate as the end closes in.

Posted by: Ruth (just_ruth)
Posted at: February 13th, 2008 02:51 am (UTC)
LongWayHome (Ruth)

It makes sense. Of course, I noticed Sam's glass was about half-full when Dean walked in, which tells me he doesn't like whiskey much.

Very good character glimpse.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 12:54 am (UTC)
speechless

It's also possible he had already had a glass or two. But Sam doesn't seem like a hard drinker, so I imagine he'd have to be pretty down to even bother ordering whiskey at two in the afternoon at all.

Thanks!

Posted by: fluffykitty2001 (fluffykitty2001)
Posted at: February 13th, 2008 03:16 am (UTC)
sam4

Whoa, that's just...incredible. You nailed it, said it all. That line about Cold Oak, which I won't repeat here since so many already have, is the most dead on thing I've ever read or seen in the show about Sam. All of this was.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 12:55 am (UTC)
more brothers

I'm so flattered that it seems to fit Sam so well! Sam's been so elusive this season, that it takes some work to really get into his head.

Posted by: noirbabalon (noirbabalon)
Posted at: February 13th, 2008 04:17 am (UTC)

oh ouch...hurts in all the right places.

Love your lines about Sam's last stand at Cold Oak. That whole paragraph just whispers grief and loss as much as pride in that decision. ::sigh::

And as he sinks further into the whiskey, the spiraling thoughts and the pressure and fear they bring...


Great coda...thanks for sharing :-)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 12:55 am (UTC)
prodigy

The deal has to have both boys in a rage of emotion--so many mixed feelings and feeling they don't want to admit to themselves or each other. It's just not easy at all.

Thanks :)

Posted by: Kat (katriel1987)
Posted at: February 13th, 2008 04:22 am (UTC)

This right here? Prime example of why I read your fic even though your takes on the characters are often very different from mine. This is a beautifully written glimpse into the mind of the often enigmatic Sam Winchester, and I enjoyed it greatly. Bravo.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 12:56 am (UTC)
dazed

It's interesting how one show can spawn so many interpretations. I'm glad you enjoyed this :) And enigmatic is a great word to describe Sam, especially this season.

Thanks!

Posted by: iamstealthyone (iamstealthyone)
Posted at: February 13th, 2008 02:20 pm (UTC)

Good look at what might have been going through Sam’s head at this point. Poor guy really has so much angst these days. *hugs him*

Favorite lines:

He'd been strong, if only for that moment, and Sam doesn't even care that it got him killed because it was still his choice, his mistake, and no one had made it for him. He'd died a good person.

I really, really like how you phrased this. It’s a good take on those last moments at Cold Oak, at their significance. *hugs Sam*

And Sam is trying to get drunk in the afternoon when his brother is dying and it's all for him and there's no answer except that he needs Dean.

Oh, Sam.

So Sam holds the glass to his lips and tips it back and lets the whiskey burn him all the way through.

I really like the quiet pain in this ending line.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 12:58 am (UTC)
failure

It just seems like nothing is easy for a Winchester, and Sam has got to be going through a heck of a time with all of this. I wish the show would show more insight into it, instead of leaving us to infer it all.

But at the end of the day, I still think Sam needs a hug. Badly.

Thanks!

Posted by: iamstealthyone (iamstealthyone)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 02:39 pm (UTC)

Posted by: ErinRua (erinrua)
Posted at: February 14th, 2008 07:55 am (UTC)
Sam

Oh, Sammy. This is an excellent look at what Sam's thoughts may have been, and it touches on a lot of things I've thought, plus a few I hadn't pondered, yet. I really like the sort of circular pattern his thoughts take here, too, and the way the repetition sort of speeds up towards the end, as if the circles are getting smaller and more desperate.

Poor Sam. It makes me even more glad that this episode ended with Dean giving him the acknowledgement he needed to hear. Thanks for sharing this!
Cheers ~

Erin

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 01:00 am (UTC)
bad day

It seems like writing while angry mimics drunken thoughts. I don't get drunk, but I do get angry, so I'm glad it worked regardless :)

And poor Sam indeed. I really want to hug him.

Thanks!

Posted by: percysowner (percysowner)
Posted at: February 15th, 2008 01:26 am (UTC)

I want to thank you for your look into Sam's thoughts and motivations. I really want to understand Sam, but the show seems to be unwilling to ever let us see what is going on inside him. Season one was fairly balanced in developing both the brothers characters, but starting with season two, the writers seemed to fall in love with the Dean angst and they forgot about Sam. I'm just thankful that you are trying to fill in the blanks.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 18th, 2008 01:02 am (UTC)
empty

This season has been especially disappointing in its lack of insight into all things Sam. Last week's ep was one of the first to really focus in on Sam, and it was a needed relief. But there's still so much I wonder about--I mean, Sam died and came back. I just wish we knew more about what that felt like to him, how he was coping, instead of being left guessing.

Thanks :)

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: February 19th, 2008 05:08 am (UTC)
Sam

This was painful and beautiful with wonderful insights into Sam's mind and heart. His helplessness in the face of Dean's impending death is just so heartbreaking and you've captured that guilt and pain and his own soul deep love for his brother here. Thank-you.

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: March 9th, 2008 07:14 pm (UTC)
haunted 2

When I really think about the position Sam's stuck in, my heart just breaks. Everyone in his family has sacrificed themselves for someone else and now he's the last one in the line and he doesn't know what to do. If he can't save Dean, the failure would be devastating.

Posted by: May Robinson (may7fic)
Posted at: March 10th, 2008 01:12 am (UTC)

Posted by: Mandy (a_phoenixdragon)
Posted at: December 26th, 2008 04:55 am (UTC)

Damn... Beautiful...

*hugs*

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: February 27th, 2009 12:08 am (UTC)
behold the limp

I'm only two months late here...I have way too many notices in my inbox!

But thanks! It's funny to go back and look at this fic considering how much has changed on the show.

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