?

Log in

No account? Create an account
do i dare or do i dare? [userpic]

Chaos fic: The Adventures of Billy and Bullwinkle (crack, 1/1)

March 7th, 2013 (06:34 am)
determined
Tags: , , , ,

feeling: determined

Title: The Adventures of Billy and Bullwinkle

Disclaimer: I do not own Chaos. Or any moose.

A/N: This is going to be utterly nonsensical to most people beyond lena7142, sockie1000 and postfallen. Actually, it’s probably nonsensical to them, too, but at least they still know where it came from :) With thanks to sockie1000 for beta'ing.

ETA: Now with a handy visual aid.

Summary: Billy encounters a new threat on a mission.



-o-

Billy stands by a lake.

It’s actually quite a nice lake, with pristine waters stretching out calmly before him. In the background, there are snow-capped mountains rising jagged into the clear blue sky and the thick forest along the water’s edge smell heartily of pine.

For a moment, Billy simply enjoys. His life is a busy one, and when he’s not off saving the world, he’s toiling away in Langley, doing the things that need to be done (even if no one has quite realized they need to be done). Billy rarely has time to stop and smell the proverbial roses.

Or to stand next to beautiful lakes and just remember why this world is, in fact, worth saving.

“Billy?”

Billy startles. He can’t remember why he’s at the lake, but for some reason, he expects to be there alone. He turns, quizzical. “Casey?” he asks, suddenly uncertain. He recognizes the voice but the only person there...

Isn’t a person at all.

It’s a moose. Short gray hair and a grizzled snout. Its antlers are twisted and awkward and, in truth, not much to look at.

The eyes, though -- are glaring at him, the lips turned up in a most definitive snarl.

“You’re a moose,” Billy concludes, blinking a few times.

The moose -- Casey -- sighs. “You say that like it’s some kind of revelation.”

“Well,” Billy says plainly. “I would think to be a human weapon, you would have to be, well...human.

Casey sighs again. “Well, okay, genius,” he says. “How do you think you’re going to charm pretty girls when you’re the one with the rack?”

Billy frowns.

Casey inclines his antlers toward the water. Uncertain, Billy turns his head and looks.

And, in the reflection, he sees another moose.

Only this moose is spectacular. Positively gigantic with glistening brown fur and gleaming black hooves. The antlers are unparalleled, not quite symmetrical with some signs of battle scars, but still wide and strong, sitting boldly on the moose’s head as a testament to his undeniable appeal.

“See,” Casey says. “You’re a moose, too.”

Billy blinks, tilting his head and checking out his antlers from another angle. “I’m not just a moose,” he says. “I am a prime example of a moose.” He tosses his head slightly, awed by the weight of his antlers. He straightens his legs and rolls his shoulders, beaming. “I am a beautiful moose.”

Casey sighs again, rolling his eyes. “And here I thought this whole experience might make you less annoying.”

Billy is too busy preening to notice. He walks along the water, watching as the muscles in his legs ripple. “I never would have thought I would be so attractive,” he says. He looks up at Casey with sudden intent. “We should go down by the road.”

“What, so you can get hit by a car?” Casey asks.

“No!” Billy exclaims. “We should pose for pictures! Give the tourists the best view possible to remember their vacation by.”

“They actually don’t encourage tourists to interact with the animals anymore,” Casey says. “For our safety -- and theirs.”

Billy scoffs. “Nonsense!” he says. “We’ll keep our distance...” Then he cocks his head. “Do you think they’ll give us food?”

Casey shakes his head. “You really need to get your antlers screwed on straight,” he scolds.

Billy is too busy prancing now. “What do you think moose do for fun?” he asks. “Maybe we can find some girl moose? Or play with some rabbits? Do you think if I stand very still, a bird will land in my antlers?”

Casey shakes his head, looking vaguely concerned. “Seriously, Billy,” he says. “It’s time to come back to reality.”

Billy clucks his tongue. “We’ll want to stay clear of the hunting areas, I reckon,” he continues. “With a rack like this, I imagine I’d be the prime target of many a hunter...”

“Billy,” Casey says, but he sounds further away and funny now. “Really.”

Billy looks up, toward Casey, but he’s not there anymore. At least not the moose. But he’s a man again. Short and concerned.

“Billy,” Casey says emphatically now. “Come back.

Billy cocks his head but misjudges his antlers. He starts to tip and he’s falling and falling and...

Then he wakes up.

Eyes open, he breathes in hard -- regretting it immediately. Pain flares in his ribs and his head throbs. And Casey’s there.

Not the moose.

But the man. Looking just as concerned as before as he kneels over Billy. “You back?”

Billy furrows his brow, eyes flitting about. He’s by the lake still. The sky is still blue and the mountains still stand majestically in the distance. “Did I go somewhere?”

Casey purses his lips. “I was beginning to get worried.”

Gingerly, Billy tries to sit up, all too aware of the sundry pains throughout his body. “What happened?”

Casey hesitates. “You really don’t remember?”

Billy shakes his head. “Not exactly,” he admits.

“Well,” Casey says, helping prop Billy up. “You got attacked.”

Shaking his head, Billy winces, reaching up and feeling blood on his forehead. “By what?”

“A moose.”

Billy looks up, shocked. “A moose?”

Casey nods. “Damn thing came out of nowhere,” he says. “One minute we were moving to our rendezvous, then next, there’s a moose charging through the clearing. You’re lucky it only trampled you. If it’d really been trying to kill you, I’m not sure I could have stopped it.”

Billy stares.

Casey shrugs feebly. “I had no idea how big those things were,” he says. “I mean, I know they’re big...but it was massive.

Billy snorts. “I know,” he says. Then he cocks his head. “Though they are rather lovely creatures, don’t you think?”

Casey gives him a look. “It’s a mammal with no discernible value to me.”

“But they’re impressive,” Billy argues. “They have grace and poise and a quiet resilience--”

Casey raises his eyebrows. “So I’m guessing you’ve got a concussion in addition to your bruised ribs.”

Billy rolls his eyes. “I’m merely making an observation,” he says. “I may have a newfound appreciation for them, is all.”

“Since it nearly killed you?” Casey asks. “I’m going to have to add moose defense to my training regimen.”

“You would make an ugly moose, Casey,” Billy tells him sagely.

“I’ll take that under advice,” Casey says with a shake of his head. “Now are you going to get up? Or do you want to stay and see if Bullwinkle returns to finish the job?”

“Ah,” Billy says, pushing tentatively to his feet. “I may appreciate moose more -- but mostly from a distance.”

Casey smirks. “Good,” he says. “Because I don’t know how I’m going to explain moose attack on our report.”

Billy chuckled, cutting off with a sharp inhale as they take a step together. “At least it’s something different for once,” he says. “All that shooting and stabbing stuff -- it’s getting old.”

Casey shakes his head. “If you say so.”

“Just think,” Billy continues, slowly picking up speed even as his ribs ache and his head spins slightly. “What animals might be next? We prepare for so many human foes, but what of the natural world? The animal kingdom?”

“I should have left you for the moose,” Casey gripes.

But Billy is enthralled now. “Come now, Casey,” he cajoles. “Just think of the endless possibilities! Perhaps even walruses!”

Casey groans, but Billy starts rattling them off the entire way to the rendezvous, leaving the lake, the moose, and another day’s work behind them.

end

For visual reference...Moose!Billy says hi :)



Comments

Posted by: sophie_deangirl (sophie_deangirl)
Posted at: March 7th, 2013 11:00 pm (UTC)
HILARIOUS!!

All I can say is, this was terrifically unique! And it was HYSTERICAL!!!!!

Billy's preening was just...gut busting HILARIOUS!!!

Fave part:

Billy blinks, tilting his head and checking out his antlers from another angle. “I’m not just a moose,” he says. “I am a prime example of a moose.” He tosses his head slightly, awed by the weight of his antlers. He straightens his legs and rolls his shoulders, beaming. “I am a beautiful moose.”

Casey sighs again, rolling his eyes. “And here I thought this whole experience might make you less annoying.”

Billy is too busy preening to notice. He walks along the water, watching as the muscles in his legs ripple. “I never would have thought I would be so attractive,” he says. He looks up at Casey with sudden intent. “We should go down by the road.”

--I just couldn't stop laughing

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: March 14th, 2013 03:11 am (UTC)
Re: HILARIOUS!!
billy watches

Billy would be a pretty moose, wouldn't he?

LOL, I'm glad you liked it :) Thanks!

Posted by: kristen_mara (kristen_mara)
Posted at: March 10th, 2013 09:08 am (UTC)


Billy Moose is a thing of beauty and a joy forever *G*

I love his reactions to his new situation - so funny and poor Casey... LOL


Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: March 14th, 2013 03:12 am (UTC)
billy likes

I'm glad it brought a smile :) For some reason, the notion is still hilarious to me.

Thanks!

Posted by: sockie1000 (sockie1000)
Posted at: March 11th, 2013 05:58 pm (UTC)
billy

lol! moose billy... gotta love him. :)

I love how you start this story out with billy looking at the beauty of the world and remembering why it's worth saving... and then it tries to kill him, in moose form. :)

and lol at preening moose billy, wanting to let tourists look at his beauty! and birds landing in his antlers? too much! :)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: March 14th, 2013 03:13 am (UTC)
billy earnest

I do have great fondness for moose Billy :) I had way too much fun writing this.

Thanks!

6 Read Comments