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do i dare or do i dare? [userpic]

SPN Ficlet: The One Who's Leaving 1/1

July 14th, 2011 (07:04 am)

Title:  The One Who's Leaving

Disclaimer:  Not mine.

A/N:  This is maybe my oldest unposted fic.  I wrote it as a missing scene/introspection to "Scarecrow" and just never did anything with it.  geminigrl11 beta'ed it years ago and yet here it is.  It's not my favorite but in the pursuit of cleaning up all the fic on my computer, it's going up :)  Title borrowed from Matchbox20's "Leave."

Summary:  Dean understands that no matter who left who, he’s alone again, and he’s not sure what to do.


-o-

"I’m taking off," Dean says, his voice gruff, angry. He sounds like his father. He wonders if his father’s ultimatums have foundations that are this shaky.  He's a champion at hustling, but Sam's the only one who knows just how dirty he can play.  He can only hope Sam doesn’t see that it’s a bluff.

Sam turns around and Dean’s heart dares to leap. "That’s what I want you to do," Sam replies.

His hopes fold quicker than a poker player with no hand.

Dean's backed himself into a corner with no cards left to play. He hesitates a moment longer, keeping his face stoic. "Goodbye, Sam," he says, slamming the trunk shut. He makes a show of getting into the car, thrusting his keys into the ignition.

Sam says nothing. Dean can see him in the rearview mirror and Sam's jaw is clenched shut. If he's bluffing, Dean thinks he’s doing a good job. It’d make his father proud.

Dean realizes he can’t always read his brother like a book.

"Fine," Dean mutters under his breath. He starts the car, hoping, praying for Sam to stop him, to say something, to say anything.

Dean is still hoping when he puts it into gear and pulls away. He floors the accelerator, but watches his rearview mirror, desperate for Sam to make some motion to call him back.

But Sam stands there, watching him go. He is still standing there when the mist covers him and Dean can no longer see him. Dean keeps on driving.

He is nearly three miles away before it hits him and he starts to cry. He has had so many people leave him; he has always fought a fear of being abandoned, being alone.  Now, just when Sam is back, he is gone all over again.

When he was four he watched his mother disappear like smoke into the night sky. She never came back, not until he was 26, and then she left him again. The father he once knew left him, too, although not physically. But the change still abandoned him, abandoned the child that he was and forced him to be a man before his time. The years that followed were blissful for the steadiness of presence—a trio that no one could break.

But that fallacy was shattered, too. When he was 22 he watched Sam break away, start his own life. Part of Dean knew Sam wasn’t trying to leave him, but he watched Sam walk away all the same. He didn’t watch his father disappear the second time. The second time, he just up and left Dean with nothing.

Dean feels like a four-year-old again, standing by himself, watching his life go up in flames, watching everyone around him leave.

But Dean realizes as he cries that this time he’s the one who’s leaving. Sam may have gotten out of the car, but Dean’s the one who said goodbye. He wonders if Sam feels abandoned, if he feels betrayed. He wonders if Sam had went to Stanford hoping that someone would call him back and make amends.  He wonders if Sam is waiting for Dean to come back to him even now.

Dean understands that no matter who left who, he’s alone again, and he’s not sure what to do except keep his hand on the wheel and his foot on the accelerator and just keep going.

Comments

Posted by: Evil Insane Monkey (eviinsanemonkey)
Posted at: July 14th, 2011 12:10 pm (UTC)
SPN: Dean/Gabriel

This is such a great look at Dean, you have him spot-on.
Great work!

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 15th, 2011 05:22 pm (UTC)
never alone

Thank you! I still really miss the early days of this show. From your posts, it sounds like you watched S6 recently. I still haven't gotten myself mentally ready for that but I keep hoping someday.

Posted by: Evil Insane Monkey (eviinsanemonkey)
Posted at: July 15th, 2011 06:01 pm (UTC)
SPN: Sam/Balthazar

Yeah, I miss the early days, too.
I made myself watch it. It wasn't great (not that I expect SPN to be quality anyway) but it was entertaining.

Posted by: Dani (pinkphoenix1985)
Posted at: July 21st, 2011 07:25 pm (UTC)

Brilliant Faye just brilliant...I miss this. It was always angsty but it wasn't too much (unlike the last seasons)

Posted by: do i dare or do i dare? (faye_dartmouth)
Posted at: July 22nd, 2011 07:51 pm (UTC)
geekboy

I do miss the early seasons in a terrible way.

Thanks!

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